Non sequiturs are dynamite comedic devices, as well as the natural enemy of cacti. They are not, however, useful in the reporting of factual information. Unless, of course, you’re the Kansas City Star — and your stories are written by Shetland ponies & dim witted NASCAR operatives. Behold this wonderful, illogical conclusion from their Danica article on Monday:  Patrick signed a [...]

For the 4,693rd time, it looks like Danica may be heading to NASCAR. Will she do it this time? Will she not? Is it all a leveraging ploy? Is foul play at work? Can she really do it only part time? Should she? Is her heart still in IndyCar? Will she still get naked for ESPN? These are questions only she can [...]

We wondered who it was lurking ominously in the shadows of that disturbing Tissot ad — the one where Danica’s being dragged off into the murky recesses of the netherworld. Feel free to wonder no more.  Tissot … the offical watch of NASCAR, and big fans of metaphorical photo shoots. And foreshadowing.

Nothing to see here, folks. Keep moving. It’s only Danica Patrick being sexually and physically accosted in an old person’s home by a naked pit crewman wearing only his helmet, a murderous gaze, and one fine-looking Tissot timepiece. Move along now, people. Don’t make me billyclub you.     .

… now with 100% less swimwear!!! Or so goes the rumor. For more on this, let’s send it down to Jack Arute in the pits. Jack?   . Well tuck my tallywacker in the griddle — daddy’s comin’ home!!! . . Indeed.

Because I am contractually obligated to do so, here is your weekly update on the Danica Sweepstakes. And to be honest here, I’ve made my position clear on such matters. This isn’t something I enjoy, nor does it keep my short attention span. It bores me to no end. That said, let’s jump right in!!! According to [...]