[Dreyer & Reinbold Racing drivers meeting -- Wednesday, September 1st]
PT: Whaddup, homes? I’m Paul Tracy. But all my friends call me Big Dick McWinnerscircle. Someone here called me, so now I’m running this operation. Who the f–k are you?
Justin: Named after the naughty bits, are you? Right then. The name’s Wilson, friend. Justin Wilson. We’re teammates now. We’ll be driving together.
PT: Listen up, Harry Potter. Paul Tracy doesn’t drive with SHIT. You feel me? Paul Tracy drives ALONE! You don’t see some badass Arctic ninja-wolf hunting down deers & shit with some freaky-tall professor-wolf at his side, now do you? Shit no. That’s dumb.
Justin: A load of codswallop, that is. Wolves hunt in PACKS!
PT: Not this wolf, bro. That’s one thing you need to know about me. Here’s the others:
First — yes, I am THE Paul Tracy. I’m famous as f–k. I’ve won every race known to man and Converse manufactured my own line of cologne back in ’89. It was called “Ivory Musk,” and it smelled like God-given excellence & marinara sauce. It was popular in most rural communities. But I’m out of that business now. Now I’m back in the business of kicking everyone’s shit.
Second — you probably heard that I’m cocky. And honestly, that’s not true. I just have a deep-seeded belief that I’m better than any racecar driver alive, and everybody else sucks balls. That’s just called keepin’ it real. Nothing more, nothing less. You give me a ride, I give you a trophy. Simple as that, homes.
Third — get in my way, and I will wreck your shit. For real. That goes for on the track, along the freeway, in the electronics aisle at Costco, in line at the salad bar at Fogo de Chao … pretty much anywhere in life. I’m like one of those hardcore fire tornadoes sent down by Jesus. Yeah, I’m nice to look at & all that. But you’d better steer clear — unless you want to get torched in the face & probably blown into the atmosphere. And if that’s what you want, then by all means, go ahead & get in my way.
And fourth — you play your cards right, and I might just teach you how to be a f–king superstar. Now go get me two Baconator Doubles from Wendy’s.
Justin: Rightey o, mate.
By The Speedgeek, September 1, 2010 @ 2:00 pm
I’m not buying it. I’d have believed it if PT’d called Justin “applesauce” even once. Nice try, though, Roy.
By BP, September 1, 2010 @ 2:36 pm
So Paul Tracy is going to run over Helio Castroneves? Or just throw a fastball to his eye?
By Jason McVeigh, September 1, 2010 @ 2:51 pm
Possibly My favourite Pagoda posting ever.
By Jason McVeigh, September 1, 2010 @ 2:57 pm
PT: Hey Wilson, what the f-ks with this nickname that they call you, “badass”? All I see is a big, skinny tall ass.
JW. I think its supposed to be ironic.
PT: Paul Tracy doesn’t have time for irony son, I’m a legit bad ass and all I gots time for is catchin rattlesnakes by the nuts and winning races, and I’m all outta rattlesnakes. You feel me?
JW. Uh, maybe.
By Beth, September 1, 2010 @ 3:02 pm
You forgot something along the lines of “you could be a real good racer, but you dress like a dickhead.”
By cappy, September 1, 2010 @ 3:20 pm
Take heed, Justin. If there’s one thing in life PT hates, it’s losing. If there’s two things he hates, it’s losing and getting cancer.
By Tom G., September 1, 2010 @ 3:32 pm
“You don’t see some badass Arctic ninja-wolf hunting down deers & shit with some freaky-tall professor-wolf at his side, now do you? Shit no. That’s dumb.”
Pure brilliance. From this day forward I am always going to think of the freakishly tall Brit as “professor-wolf”
By T.S. Eliot, September 1, 2010 @ 4:44 pm
Pardon me, but “Big Dick McWinnerscircle” was the lead character in a 1938 novela I wrote. PLAGIARIST!
By Oilpressure, September 1, 2010 @ 6:51 pm
Wow!
There. I’ve used that word TWICE in one week now. Happy?
By Christopher Leone, September 1, 2010 @ 7:02 pm
Right up there with Ryan Hunter-Reay meets E.J. Viso.
By Gordon Johncock, September 1, 2010 @ 8:30 pm
At the scene of Dennis Reinbold BMW
Justin Wilson: Paul, I thought you were retired?
Dennis: Ohh… I can feel it in my plums
By Brian McKay, September 1, 2010 @ 9:54 pm
Crikey. Jolly good stuff. Cheers, mate.
By Jason McVeigh, September 1, 2010 @ 10:21 pm
Request permission to change my twitter handle to Big Dick McWinnerscircle.
By Bob, September 1, 2010 @ 11:37 pm
Outstanding sir.
By Mikhail Danilov, September 2, 2010 @ 2:24 am
Amazing post. I’m in tears here.
By Silvia Pierson, September 2, 2010 @ 4:23 am
Very, very funny. Thank you for two great posts in less than a week!
By redd, September 2, 2010 @ 11:30 am
…found myself wondering if you could write a dialouge between Paul Tracy and AJ Foyt without physically destroying your keyboard.
By kenny powers, September 2, 2010 @ 12:25 pm
My likeness in print, video, film and/or the pornonet is copyright as shit and subject to a licenciousness fee of $150 so if you don’t want your ass sued all to hell by a feral pack of jailhouse-trained lawyers you will Western Union said amount to: K. Powers, c/o the Food Lion, Shelby, N.C. P.S. Exactly what kinda f**kin restaurant do you run up there and why in the hell is it silent?
By Rick, September 2, 2010 @ 1:11 pm
Theoretically, if PT and AJ Foyt ever got together, the swirling vortex of awesomeness might twist the space-time continuum into a pretzellike black hole from which no hair bleach, dollar sign, laptop, or Frenchman could escape. Theoretically.
By Bickelmom, September 2, 2010 @ 7:51 pm
This is why I come to the Pagoda. Pure hilarity that is also certainly true.
Roy obviously wrote this one is for you, McVeigh!
By boilerrx, September 3, 2010 @ 1:22 pm
Does anyone else find it bizarre that the we Scotsman will be driving a car sponsored by…..(jack arute voice) Dixie?
By Jason McVeigh, September 4, 2010 @ 7:27 am
Bickelmom, I’m serious, Best Pagoda posting ever. (Although Santa Foyt still rules) And the fact that Roy has put PT in the staunchly devoted to list makes me cry manly tears. Paul Tracy should be everyones favourite driver but especially the fav driver of someone like Hobbson.
By lazlo, September 5, 2010 @ 6:23 pm
I can’t believe there haven’t been comments about fire tornados – holy crap.
“…grew to the size of a large city and killed 38,000 people in 15 minutes.”
Impressive, regardless of the scale used – do not mess with mother nature…
By Sl4md4nc3!, September 12, 2010 @ 4:27 pm
They have a salad bar at Fogo de Chao? Amazing bit of trivia.
By Meatball, September 21, 2010 @ 10:16 pm
This just made my day…