Astute race fans as well as drunken kids chillin’ on boats in the St Pete harbor know this week the series moves back to American soil, where fans have a distinct set of expectations for our athletes. We expect uniforms to be profusely stained with sweat, mud, blood, and or oil – but ALWAYS properly tucked into the belt line. We expect drug tests to come back negative, and if they don’t we expect an apology, a shameful attitude, and a promise that you will never ever ever be caught kissing yourself in public again. And lastly, we expect you to have some kick-ass theme music.

Boxers have it. Baseball players have it. Bowlers (yes, I said bowlers) have it. For crying out loud, even our own Roy Hobbson has his own theme music. But IndyCar drivers – those courageous souls who at times drive 230 miles per hour with their left foot on top of their right foot – have been left tuneless, which means the casual race fan has no audio clue indicating when to cheer (or boo) their most (or least) favorite driver.

Since his previous job involved big production numbers in arenas, I have high hopes this glaring omission will be rectified by the new CEO before the end of the season. Indeed, it appears the league has adopted it’s own song for ALL the drivers – AC/DC’s cannon-filled classic “For Those About To Rock“.

I’m also reasonably confident Eddie Gossage at Texas Motor Speedway is currently installing the cannons required for optimal performance of this song as we speak.

Nobody asked but personally I’d love to hear the theme from the reality-ish boxing series “The Contender” played at every race. I get chills every time I hear that that 75 seconds of glory, and shame on you retread boxers for rarely living up to the opening title sequence. But no matter, because AC/DC will suffice, so long as we can take the extra step of allowing the drivers to also have their own individual music to blast through the loud speakers during driver introductions.

But then what should each driver select? Clearly they don’t put me in charge of such things. No. Not ever. And rightfully so, considering this train wreck of a post I’m in the middle of. Hanging prepositions and all. But they gave me keys to the blog and I’m not afraid to run IT into the ground with some poignant yet ludicrous song selections. Parliamentarian, strike the gavel so I can bring this nonsense to the floor.

Marco Andretti – Marco needs something to toughen up his image since many fans may not realize he’s no longer a teenager. His youthful looks might benefit him later in life, but for now there’s not much he could do establish an image of ultra-manliness short of ripping off Mario Moraes’ arm off and beating him senselss with it. Since that’s about as likely as an Indycar comeback from Billy Roe, I’m going to suggest one of the most over-the-top testosterone fueled excuses of music ever made – “Beserker” from the movie “Clerks”

Ryan Briscoe – Well, he is called “Briscoe Inferno” so the corresponding hit song by the Trammps would be in order. In an incredibly ironic twist I think The Trammps are actually wearing Team Penske uniforms with the classic Marlboro Red from the 1970′s in the video. And now that I think about it, this list absolutely must include even more songs from the EPIC Saturday Night Fever soundtrack.

Helio Castoneves – Does your Aunt Erlene remember that Helio has won the Indy 500 three times? Perhaps. Does she remember that he won a nationally televised dance-based reality series? Hellz yes!! Ergo, Helio’s song is “You Should Be Dancing” from the Bee Gees. Also from the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack. You can’t stop it now – you can only hope to contain it.

Mike Conway – Honestly, I’m thinking silence. Really. It’s the only thing he could do to get people to notice perhaps the most anonymous driver in the field. Either that or one playing one of the most annoying songs of all time – “The Hamsterdance“.*

* The most annoying song of all time is widely debated among scholars at the Croatian Institute for Utterly Bad Musicology, but the most frequently mentioned songs include “Tiny Bubbles” (wrong song, right artist – and I have nothing but love for Don Ho!) “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” from Tiny Tim, “Not An Addict” by K’s Choice, and “Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow…(I can’t even bring myself to type the full name). Also anything by Celine Dion, but more on that later. Personally I think the most annoying song ever is “No Rain” by Blind Melon, and I also think in the afterlife Hell involves being strapped to a chair with toothpicks holding my eyelids open while a television shows nothing but that video with that girl in the bumblebee suit.

Simona De Silvestro – The Swiss Miss needs something…something…more. “More Than A Woman” by the Bee Gees from (say it with me) the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack. (Am I done with this gimmick? I most assuredly am not!)

Scott Dixon – The Least Interesting Man in the World needs something pleasant that isn’t any edgier than Lawrence Welk. Something without provocative lyrics. In fact, something with singing but without actual lyrics. I don’t know what the hell this is, but without question it screams “Scott Dixon Into Music” to me.

Sarah Fisher – “Over My Head” by The Fray, a band which she’s mentioned she’s a fan. It’s a subtle jab at those who doubt her abilities as a driver or team owner. All three of you.

Dario Franchitti – File under obvious: “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” from the Scottish legend Rod Stewart…wait, what’s that? Rod Stewart was born in London! He’s NOT Scottish! Oh come on – his name is “Stewart”, fer f–k’s sake!

Davey Hamilton – A good Christian guy who endures 20-some surgeries just to get back in an IndyCar deserves some memorable Christian intro music. If “Hero” by Skillet is good enough for Sunday Night Football then it’s good enough for Davey.

Ryan Hunter-Reay – After the last year it’s gotta be that IZOD song we’ve all heard a bazillion times. Anything else would lead to confusion. It’s so connected with im that I imagine Ryan’s got that as his ringtone as well.

Tony Kanaan – A-ha! (Not the band, the exclamation.) “The Contender” theme would work PERFECTLY here, especially if Tony walks out wearing boxing gloves and punches someone. Someone like Scott Dixon, for instance. And right before he does we’ll be expecting to hear Jon Beekhuis shouting in his best Jim Ross impersonation “OH MY GOD, THAT’S TONY KANAAN’S MUSIC!!!!”

Raphael Matos – I follow these things closely and I STILL know next to nothing of Matos other than he looks a little like Vincent Chase from the show Entourage, so I’m gonna go with the song played in the intro of that show, “Superhero” by Jane’s Addiction.

Vitor Meira – After witnessing that awful crash at Indy last year and seeing footage of the months of rehabilitation I think he’s earned the right to use “Indestructible” from Disturbed. I realize many other drivers have had some pretty bad accidents, but I can’t think of any other songs for Vitor and I admit that’s my own fault.

Hideki Mutoh – Music, schmusic. Just a mighty roar from Godzilla will suffice. And in a related note, I sincerely hope there’s some way they can get a speaker installed in his car that makes this sound. Soon.

Danica Patrick – Technically Danica already has a theme song featured on her wenbsite called “Cross That Line” from the band Superchick, but since I’m the one handing out theme songs I’m going to go with P!nk’s “U + Ur Hand“. Because it’s a song about female empowerment, and demanding respect, and possibly also gratuitous swimsuit photos. Plus the kids today love it.

Will Power – I was thinking “Devour” by Shinedown because it sounds like a Power Rangers song, which makes me think of Will “Power”, but obviously that too obtuse. (Note: speaking of obtuse, I once wrote an entire DeltaWing post revolving around this movie trailer, and…well that will certainly never see the light of day.) Anyhow, let’s go instead with by Australia’s own Sick Puppies’ “You’re Going Down” for the man who owns the streets of the IRL.

Graham Rahal – If you’ve read one of my recent posts at My Name Is IRL then you’re probably savvy enough to think I’m going to pick “Obvious Child” by Paul Simon. But that obviously be too…well, I’ll just stop now before I get punched in the head and go with something generic like “Fuel” from Metallica.

Mario Romancini – Any opportunity to call attention to the vocal genius of Eddy Grant must be recognized. I’m “Romancing the Stone“, whatever that means.

Takuma Sato – What I know about Taku you could put in a thimble. He’s Japanese, he drives for KVRT, and he drives a car with the number “5″….wait, “A Fifth of Beethoven” from Walter Murphy! The Saturday Night Fever soundtrack strikes again!

Alex Tagliani – Hmmm. French Canadians like Alex love their Celine Dion, right? How about her version of “I Drove All Night“? Just be sure to cover my ears and hold on to my man card when it plays, gentlemen.

Paul Tracy – Also filed under obvious: “Enemy” by Sevendust.

EJ Viso – He’s short, he’s stout, he’s dependable, and he inspires women to dance in silly ways. Take it way, Leonard Nimoy, with “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins“. (WARNING: listening to this for more than 30 seconds may significantly harm vital brain cells. I’m not joking.)

Dan Wheldon – One Thursday evening last year I was enjoying another fine episode of “The Office” when suddenly a music video broke out. And as an IndyCar fan I’m not ashamed to say Dan was the first person who came to mind. I realize he’s a married father now, but he’ll always be the “Male Prima Donna“. And if I was him, I’d probably be like that too, but I’m not because I’m a blogger who smells and lives in his basement.

Justin Wilson – I’m having some trouble here because I can’t think of anything for the man they call “Bad Ass”. I mean, he’s tall, he’s big, he’s up there…help me, friends, because all I am coming up with is “The Only Way Is Up” by Yazz and the Plastic Population. I’ve got nothing. I’m totally gassed from yet another overlong post.

Thus concludes the most link-heavy post in the history of the Silent Pagoda. Please feel free to add your suggestions in the space provided.