Like many of you I have become intrigued at the recent announcement of Simona De Silvestro’s participation in the IZOD IndyCar series. Probably for different reasons, though, since I get the impression many of you are frothy with concern over her as a driver because of her gender. This is not news, friends – not to Sally Ride, or Sandra Day O’Connor, or Florence Henderson or most assuredly a man like me. We’ve had plenty of “them” in the series for years now, and I’m not going to be overly-concerned about the newsiness of any more additional women into the world of open-wheel racing unless Megan Fox or Lady Gaga or Marissa Miller become top-level drivers.
[Ed note: Marisa Miller??? She's hideous! FIX YOUR FACE, VILE WENCH!]
I don’t care what Richard Petty says, women can drive just as well or as poorly as men. And if you have at least one functioning eyeball then you don’t need me to name names to prove that point. No, I’m much more concerned with something far more unique – her nationality. Simona, as you may or may not know, is from Switzerland, and as ashamed as I am to admit this I know exactly three things about the Swiss: They’ve got cheese, they’ve got chocolate, and they’ve got banking services that cater to cinematic criminals.
(OK … four things: they’ve also got Cyndie Allemann.)
So in an effort to discover more about the great nation of Switzerland I busted out my highly prized Google and got myself all learned up on Switzerland, or as the Germans refer to it, “Schweizerische Eidgenossenschaft.” It would seem the Germans are confused and think they are an Industrial band instead of an actual nation. Regardless, let’s get our learnin’ on, shall we?
Switzerland Facts
The population is 7.7 million, or roughly equivalent to the number of followers Danica Patrick has on Twitter.
The capital is Bern, which doesn’t sound like a very fun place if you are an English-speaking race car driver.
The largest city is Zürich, which gets bonus points for the umlaut. It’s an empirical fact that umlauts rock. Think of how much more interesting the Hoosier capital would be if the name was simply modified to Indianapölis. I know, you’ve thought the same thing, right?
The country is bordered by German, France, Italy, Austria and Lichtenstein, which ironically enough is not a nation but an Industrial band. On a personal note I’m pretty sure I saw Lichtenstein open for Nitzer Ebb once, and I’ve had tinitis ever since.
Official languagues include German, French, Italian, and Romansh. See, if I was on “Jepoardy” I would have guessed the Romansh was something served with Arugula, but then again if I was that smart I wouldn’t be here playing second or third banana at Silent Pagoda, would I? No, I would not. I’d be in a wind tunnel at the instruction of Roger Penske studying the differential of drag co-efficients between left and right mirror mounts, and you can bet your GoDaddys I’d be paid a helluva lot more to be doing that, my friends.
But I digress, because as any third-grader who’s ever failed to write a proper theme can tell you there has to be more to the story than just the cold hard facts. And so it is that to really get a feel for the story of the Swiss, I decided to peruse some recent headlines.
Switzerland News
Swiss prostitutes trained to use defibrillators in brothels to prevent clients dying. Customer service in Switzerland is really setting the bar high for the rest of the world.
Swiss to vote on lawyers for abused animals. Wouldn’t it be more kind-hearted to give animals to abused lawyers? I mean, someone is going to be in a world of hurt after losing this battle.
Swiss company creates extra-small condoms for 12-year-olds. Crystal clear proof that the DeltaWing design enjoys exceptional popularity with today’s youth – even in Europe.
Jessica Biel Celebrates Birthday in Switzerland With Justin Timberlake. Oh dear. Since we’ve got a story about rubbers and another about JT, I’m contractually obligated to link to THIS.
[Ed note: Jessica BLLLECH!?! She looks like a flu-stricken Janet Reno! MY EYES!!]
Libya’s Gaddafi urges jihad against Switzerland. Really? So is this because of the lawyers, the jimmy hats, or the ‘N Sync dude? Or all of the above?
Vancouver Games consumed 4 tons Swiss cheese, 2 tons chocolate. Did you think this lesson was going to end with something other than cheese and chocolate? If so you obviously don’t read my posts much, which puts you in the company of the entire nation of Switzerland.
So there you go – the Swiss in a chocolate-covered nutshell, including all the news that gives you fits. And with that the Silent Pagoda series proudly welcomes Simona and her native Switzerland to the IndyCar family!
I’d give Simona a big hug right now, but traditionally speaking that’s Jack Arute’s job, and as you know tradition is the most important principle at the Silent Pagoda. Or at least it’s in the Top 20. That is, if we had principles. Class dismissed.
By Marc Bever, March 5, 2010 @ 8:29 pm
Thanks, Editor. You made this post worth reading.
By Sara Sweeney, March 5, 2010 @ 8:48 pm
Too much information…..
By Nathan, March 5, 2010 @ 9:39 pm
“Simona, as you may or may not know, is from Switzerland, and as ashamed as I am to admit this I know exactly three things about the Swiss: They’ve got cheese, they’ve got chocolate, and they’ve got banking services that cater to cinematic criminals.”
….and yet Ganassi didn’t offer her a ride. Strange.
By H.B. Donnelly, March 5, 2010 @ 9:56 pm
second or third banana, eh? well, behind Roy himself, Lindy Thackston, the IndyCar official who holds a pistol to Roy’s head as he writes posts, and the official who backs that official up, I would have to put you at fifth. Sorry, man.
You also forgot Switzerland’s most badass contribution to the world.
By Roy Hobbson, March 5, 2010 @ 10:45 pm
As a real attorney who ALSO wears grape-colored suits & frequently beats legal foes over the head w/ my briefcase, I take offense to that poster. I AM that awesome. Good day.
By Christopher Leone, March 6, 2010 @ 1:46 am
Above: Lawyers for CART (left) and the Indy Racing League attempt to negotiate a settlement over usage of the term “IndyCar.” They set a proud precedent for both sides to follow in the forthcoming years. File photo, 1996.
By Jason McVeigh, March 6, 2010 @ 4:33 am
The thought of Jack Arute all sweaty and aroused, hugging around a panic stricken Swiss girl is not a pretty one. Poor Simona. She’s a helluva driver though so let’s root for her. Go Swiss Miss!
By P Daddy, March 6, 2010 @ 8:38 am
I vote for Marissa Miller references in every post. I can’t remember what you said about Swaziland after envisioning Marissa in that bikini riding a Delta Schwiiiiiiiing!!!
By Earnastine, March 6, 2010 @ 9:25 am
From 2006 until 2008, members of the Swiss People’s Party and the Federal Democratic Union launched several cantonal initiatives against the “erection of minarets.”
Surprisingly, the D.W. will not be popular in Suisse,and after all this erotica as of late, we don’t want the full-monty… How could any one on the D.W. design team have guessed?
Simona will rock the house, BTW she probably knows all 5 Swiss languages-
By Earnastine, March 6, 2010 @ 10:17 am
Also, besides doing a “No Texting while Driving” PSA;she can drive (and probably ski like crazy.)
http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/24022010/5/photo/24022010230429.html
By Deanie, March 6, 2010 @ 12:02 pm
One of the most important facts missed about Switzerland is the fact motorsport was banned for more than 50 years after the Le Mans disaster in 1955. The ban was only lifted a few years ago, but 50 years!!! Poor Swiss, i feel for them.
By Neon18, March 6, 2010 @ 12:34 pm
Maturity should be a requirement for racing!
The Swiss are very smart; (lived there for a few months…much more to offer than chocolate and cheese.) Also,Suisse in general are not fond of US imaturity in policies, especially in racing!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zl5WMDVdEos
By Dex, March 6, 2010 @ 3:33 pm
How can you do a story containing interesting facts about Switzerland on a racing blog (sort of) and not mention that motor racing was banned in Switzerland from 1955 to 2007?!
By Jeff Iannucci, March 6, 2010 @ 4:28 pm
Deanie and Dex,
I swear I had a whole “ban of motorsports for 50 years” in there, but when the editor says “too many words, not enough cheesecake” I may have accidentally deleted that paragraph. And also, I was over my word limit, so when it’s either “condomns for 12-year-olds” or “blah blah blah ban on racing” then it’s not really that close of a call.
This is The Silent Pagoda, not Euro Motor Legacy Racer Magazine. If it doesn’t include eye candy, drug references, Snoop Dogg or Jack Arute then it simply doesn’t get the editor’s approval.
And moreover, I just made you both look like total smarty pants, right? So you’re welcome.
By Neon18, March 6, 2010 @ 6:10 pm
Pagoda U…Hot for words!http://www.youtube.com/user/hotforwords
By Neon18, March 6, 2010 @ 6:11 pm
Pagoda U…Hot for words!
http://www.youtube.com/user/hotforwords
By NaBUru38, March 6, 2010 @ 7:53 pm
It’s not like she had to travel a lot to race formula cars: Monza is at 160km from her hometown Thun, Dijon is at 220km and seven more at under 400km.
By Neon18, March 7, 2010 @ 5:59 pm
Well, at least “you know” Milka Dunno and “you know” Sarah Fisher will be welcoming…
Danika will be working it this year…”you know” at the car wash…
Sad for the g-irl…”you know.”
By Hamilton Fish, March 9, 2010 @ 8:01 am
The Pagoda’s fantasy racing draft is tonight at 9 at The Garter. The Pagoda will be providing champagne and pork tenderloin sandwiches. See everybody there. Oh, and Roy…Brittney is still pissed you didn’t forward her CV to that talent scout.
By Jimmie Johnson, March 9, 2010 @ 12:53 pm
The IRL can use another female driver. The fans actually like female drivers. I see NASCAR is trying to steal Danica’s Indy Car Fame. NASCAR doesn’t REALLY want female drivers. They just want the media attention. They have never let a female driver get out of ARCA or Nationwide. They like to exploit the fact that Indy Car and F1 drivers have gone to NASCAR but they don’t really want them to be successful. The IRL has made huge mistakes loosing A.J, Hornish, Speed, Piquet Jr. and Papis to NASCAR.
By Neon18, March 9, 2010 @ 1:09 pm
Hornish doesn’t get “pimped slapped” over in NASCAR at least…
Simona may be a Formula-one girl one day,
but probably not USF1…
http://www.youtube.com/user/BrianKerramba#p/u/7/JAD9uD_fBhY
By Big Brad, March 9, 2010 @ 11:53 pm
I got tired-head two seconds into this thread, so I haven’t read all of the comments. But, here’s the formula: 1) If you are a woman in the IRL and you can go 230+ and WIN more than one race, then nobody cares what you look like. 2) Otherwise, you need to be smokin’…then we will accept your only one win. Easy formula. Simona will have to follow formula one. Face=Not-to-Great, Buddy.
By DZ, March 10, 2010 @ 12:06 pm
Muhmuhmuh, My Simooonaa!
Yeah, love it. SwissMissssssssss
Honestly, I’d rather have Tweets about handling and apexes than baking and cookies.