To the chagrin of perhaps as many as two of you, it’s been painfully obvious that I have not been much of a contributor at The Silent Pagoda lately. (Well, since October. If that’s “lately.”) Please forgive my sins of omission against this hospitality tent cum Snake Pit of the lawless blogger infield, as I have been quite preoccupied with work, children and whatnot. Mostly the whatnot.

Pleading as one would to the lone babysitter who was neither a dysfunctional family member nor a meth addict (to say nothing of the dysfunctional meth addicts in one’s family) Roy Hobbson has once again convinced me to become an irregular contributor here at the SP, promising me a raise in salary from “a million bucks worth of glowing praise” to “two million plus a limited edition bonus from the Silent Pagoda/Lindy Thackston designer series of Headset Hair Bands”. An offer I couldn’t refuse, to be sure.

At any rate, if there’s one story that’s been inexplicably under-reported both here and abroad it’s the total lack of coverage by IndyCar sites of the newest designs for the 2010 chassis. I know, it’s hard to believe, isn’t it? Well, if there’s one thing the Silent Pagoda is not, it’s silent…which means if there’s one thing that name is, it’s ironic. So grammar be damned, I shall now most assuredly be neither in presenting a brief summary of the many 2010 IndyCar chassis designs heretofore submitted. Because this really needs to be talked completely into the ground.

Dallara

Despite this incessant perception of my IndyCar insiderishness, I don’t know all the particulars of “Brian Barnhart’s Running Man Outdoor Adventure” other than if you’re ever invited you should probably decline. But what I do know is that before embarking on this year’s trip with close personal friend Dick Cheney, the man currently entrusted with determining the present and future of the sport (Brian, not Dick) issued an open decree to car manufacturers everywhere to submit their ideas for the next iteration of IndyCar. Mr Barnhart requested that designs continue to advance technologies involving and safety and performance, but that they do so with a primary emphasis on reduced cost since efforts to recruit prospective owners to invest $5 million into a team that will compete for a $1.5 million series championship have proven more than a tad difficult.

The first manufacturer to step up was current IZOD IndyCar series chassis provider Dallara, who’s innovative design revolved around the notion that the greatest cost savings involved teams keeping their own cars. To that end Dallara introduced…the same car.

Well, technically the 2010 package involves a snappy Arizona State maroon and gold paint scheme (a touching tribute to my Sun Devils, to be sure) but more or less the thinking is that not changing anything involves a cost savings above whatever any new car would cost. No new manuals, no new training for a new car, and teams can continue to use the 8-year-old chassis they already have in house. This design plan is virtually infallible in cost containment, as designing the same car for decades has shown to keep costs down for Russian manufacturer AvtoVAZ.

Lola

Not to be outdone in cost savings for team owners, Lola has introduced a chassis that will be able to be used not only in the IZOD IndyCar series, but also in the Firestone Indy Lights, Formula 2000, Star Mazda, GP2, ARCA, and even $500 bomber night at dirt tracks around America. The secret to keeping the cost savings so low is the recent discovery of an entire fleet of unused T97 chassis developed for the once-raced Mastercard Lola team.

The Lola design reportedly was decided upon after speaking with numerous IndyCar team owners, who continually expressed their inability to turn a profit in the series. Lola says this unique and durable chassis allows for a race team to compete in hundreds of races a year, confidently suggesting that such exposure would give IndyCar teams an unprecedented advantage in selling sponsorship packages.

Like virtually every other car in modern open-wheel racing, the T97 features four wheels, two wings, a single driver cockpit as well as a functioning exhaust system capable of accommodating any 4- or 6-cylinder combustion engine on the planet. Lola says their “sunk cost” pricing structure allows them the ability to undercut other manufacturers because all design expenses were written off over a decade ago. One unnamed executive suggested “If someone could make a chassis for 20 bucks we’d sell these mother scratchers for ten!”

Swift

Over at Swift, engineers have taken the unique position of removing the most expensive part of the chassis – actual physical parts. Swift has put forth an unprecedented leap towards 21st century technology by submitting designs based on the premise that all cars – and indeed the races themselves – be entirely computer generated. Since a team using the Swift chassis would only be required to employ a software developer and Public Relations representative, adoption of this design would reduce operational overhead to nearly nothing (PR folks work for free, you know), resulting in an inevitable rush of would-be team owners to compete in the series.

Moreover, Swift promises their design would resolve competitions problems, as software modifications could make any race result in whatever outcome the league decided. Plus, the cars could look a lot more appealing to potential younger fans through other innovations like the unique the “SwiftLights” design.

Designers at Swift also note that the trump card would be the resolution of the problem of races being attended by thousands of empty seats dressed as fans, promising that showing computer-generated sellouts at any venue would allow for returns to storied venues at Phoenix, Cleveland, Michigan and Road America. Virtually, of course.

DeltaWing

I would offer comment on the DeltaWing, but I have been informed that the mere mention of the word here at the Silent Pagoda will result in an undisclosed fine, so…well, there, since I said it twice I’m sure I’ll never see that Silent Pagoda/Lindy Thackston designer series Headset Hair Band. Dammit.

What I can say is that despite months of testing deep in the bowels of Pennsylvania the design that shall not be named has suddenly been stalled by an unanticipated series of lawsuits. Plaintiffs thusfar include: Craig Breedlove, Lockheed, Big Daddy Don Garlits, The Estate of Evel Knievel, Kraft Foods, Comcast-NBC Universal, Nintendo, The Brian France family dba “NASCAR” , as well as innumerable dildo manufacturers in North America. The later of which explaining why we can’t actually show the vehicle without certain internet filters blocking out web site.

Then again, I just used the word “dildo” in a post, which no doubt got this post blocked by internet monitors around the globe. Surely Roy will now give me a raise for that alone.