After minutes of dedicated design work & multiple copyright infringements, the Silent Pagoda is finally ready to unveil its much ballyhooed IndyCar chassis concept.
Without further ado …
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BAM!!!! RIGHT THERE!!! It’s the IndyCar Imperial Speeder Bike, and that’s the sound of your mind being blown. Have a closer look if you want. I’ll wait.
Let’s open this up for some questions. You there — what say you?
It’s hideous!!!!!!
Whoa. Slow down there, friend. We were looking for function moreso than form. Don’t rush to judgment — just let it sink in for a bit. Mull it over. Sleep on it. And keep in mind, it’s only a concept at this point. We can tweak it. Maybe. Not really. Next.
What is it?
Only the most sophisticated technology to ever come out of the Degobah System. It’s 68 billion times more advanced than CERN’s atom-smasher. Chew on that, peons. Next.
Is that even an IndyCar?
Nope. It’s not even a car, actually. If you’ll notice, it doesn’t even have wheels — open or otherwise. The way I see it, the term “open wheel racing” is dumb & outdated. And for that matter, so are wheels. People have grown tired with wheels. Why even bother? Time for a change.
No wheels? REALLY???
Yes really. This thing’s zero-gravity. It’s a cost-saving tactic. No wheels mean no expensive tires. KA-CHING!!! Also, it runs entirely on swamp water. And there are no moving parts on the IndyCar Speeder — well, except for the belly-mounted laser cannon. Regardless, these measures will dramatically reduce costs for the owners. And frankly, that’s the single most important thing here. Next.
How fast does it go?
Only 26 times the speed of sound. [sarcastic yawn] Next.
Is it safe?
Pffffft, I don’t know. What am I, the Safety Police? Next.
Why should we take this thing seriously?
I’ll tell you why. Because when I showed this design to my 4-year-old son’s pre-school class, those kids just LOST THEIR SHIT. Seriously. They were all like, “OH MY GOSH I’D WATCH A KAJILLION BILLION INDYCAR RACES IF THOSE THINGS WERE IN IT!!!!” Meanwhile, when I showed them the Dallara & Swift designs, they called them both “gay.” Checkmate.
Peace. See you in 2012.
By Tony Johns, February 24, 2010 @ 12:05 pm
This is too progressive. I think we should stick with landspeeders.
By DZ, February 24, 2010 @ 12:16 pm
It’s a nice design exercise, but it’ll never turn. Also the blaster cannon – won’t that require a severe change in the rules package as well as the increased cost to facilities to put up blaster shields all around the track? DUH. Not only do I not like this, I won’t even be able to see it from my seats behind the shield at Indy…
btw, Paul Tracy says he’s driven one, but the lousy Empire ride buyers are getting all the testing time. No fair!
By pressdog, February 24, 2010 @ 12:30 pm
At least with those heavily armed bad boys there would be much less blocking during the race. I assume we’ll have a bunch of Leias sitting astride those bad boys (easy there, Governor). You had me at pre-schoolers “LOST THEIR SHIT.”
By NickyScarfa, February 24, 2010 @ 12:36 pm
I hear it can be powered by Brazilian urine.
By Dex, February 24, 2010 @ 12:36 pm
I’m concerned about safety. I saw a documentary about the original design of this, about 1983, I think. The crash testing, particularly the straight on collisions into large trees, wasn’t very encouraging. \
Dex
By Schrementi, February 24, 2010 @ 12:39 pm
My son says that thing looks like a space wiener. And then he asked me to buy season tickets – for eternity.
By DZ, February 24, 2010 @ 12:47 pm
Hobbs, perhaps I’ve been a bit premature in my dismissal of your design. Something about ‘Welcome to the Lucasfilm IndyWhatzit Series Presented by Dolby Surround Stereo/THX, powered by Jedi Holograms’ has a decent ring to it (cash register ca-chinggg). Anyone up for a IndyCar/StarWars convention?
Did you guys see the latest GoDaddy ad starring Danica and Queen Amidala? Hot.
By Johnny Montona, February 24, 2010 @ 12:56 pm
The only post in the history of the universe I’ve ever read twice. I lost MY sh*t.
By BP, February 24, 2010 @ 1:25 pm
If this means that Ewoks get rides over talented Tatooineans, than I cannot support this.
In fact, I am going to stomp my feet and pout about it. And maybe write a letter to Emperor Palpatine.
By Christopher Leone, February 24, 2010 @ 1:39 pm
I think one of those has been testing at Barber today. It’s car #Green driven by 34 Mario, and it went around the track in .01 of a second. Hell of a design you got there, Roy.
By Tom G., February 24, 2010 @ 2:32 pm
Pffff!!! Directional steering vanes. That is so last century.
What we need are rocket man jet packs. Just strap them to the backs of the drivers and light those candles.
By Oilpressure, February 24, 2010 @ 3:38 pm
If four-year old preschoolers “lost their shit”; John Barnes says that’s all he needs to hear. A much better indicator of it’s appeal than 40 year old men at computers.
By Ron P., February 24, 2010 @ 3:47 pm
Will the fans be searched for lightsabers? Cause if those steering vanes get cut off the Izod Indycar Safety teams will be cleaning up with spoons.
By Earnastine, February 24, 2010 @ 4:44 pm
Only readily accepted at the Apex Brasil 500.
By Earnastine, February 24, 2010 @ 4:45 pm
George…expletives?
By lazlo, February 24, 2010 @ 5:01 pm
I’d like to see TK & EJ have at it aboard a couple of those bad boys, but only if the cannons are armed.
A hidden plus, it’s easily converted to a two seater – think of the added revenue…
By P Daddy, February 24, 2010 @ 7:00 pm
Just think how happy Danica, Milka and Sarah will be after riding this for a few hours. They’ll be spent…nothing but smiles after every race. I think this chassis will bring more women into the sport. Brilliant Roy, brilliant!!
By Tom Metcalfe, February 24, 2010 @ 7:11 pm
Absolutely brilliant!!!! Love it!!!!! All kidding aside, beyond funny! Gonna be a tall order to top that design!!
By Bob, February 24, 2010 @ 7:59 pm
Don’t give them any ideas Roy.
By Mike Silver, February 24, 2010 @ 9:46 pm
This doesn’t look anything like the Marmon Wasp.
By sciguy, February 24, 2010 @ 10:36 pm
Not enough room for sponsor logos!
By Jason McVeigh, February 25, 2010 @ 8:47 am
Still looks better than the D-wang
By the patriot, February 25, 2010 @ 9:17 am
Jesus Roy, I think you just gave all team owners and the Wing project an unlubed prostate exam. This is your DaVinci of SO IS YOUR FACE to DW and Chip… This maybe the best way to relate the retardation that is all the team owners being sold on the DeltaWing. Well played.
By James, February 25, 2010 @ 10:36 am
Not sure if this is really what the series needs. We need to make ground on NASCAR and they’ll never come over to Indycar with that.
If a wing on a car is enough to confuse them and they’ve yet to grasp fuel injection, so what the repulsorlift will do to them is anyone’s guess.
By Robert, February 25, 2010 @ 2:17 pm
I only have two questions: Will there be an added side pannels for sponsor logo (note I used the sigular version of the word logo)and second, is Chip going half-ies with you on this design?
By Pete, February 26, 2010 @ 10:09 am
Those kids got it half right, Dallara is in fact gay.
By Coz, February 26, 2010 @ 11:22 am
You fooled me Hobbson, I thought the new “chassis design” would have naked pictures of Thackston. What a let down.
By DZ, February 26, 2010 @ 12:57 pm
Thackston: (THAKS-tun)
n. 1. related, or in reference, to Lindy (LindyCar)Thackston,
adj. 2. used to generally describe an afternoon spent leisurely on Twitter/Google images. (i.e. After lunch on Friday, I found I needed some Thackston time).
By Rob, February 26, 2010 @ 1:24 pm
Tie bacon into this somehow and you might be onto something
By David B, February 27, 2010 @ 7:23 am
If indycar doesn’t adopt this design then I refuse to watch. Simple.