Meet 14th century German pirate Klaus Störtebeker, who I’m just now learning was the Chip Ganassi of the high seas. And why is that? you ask. Well for starters, he was all kinds of boss — he’d pillage your face with cannon fire if you so much as looked at him crossly. Better still, he had wenches at every port & his name literally translates to ”empty the mug with one gulp” in Old German. (PARRRRRTYYYYY!)
Oh. And there was also this. From The Awl:
Legend has it that when was caught in 1400, and set to be executed with 73 of his men, he made a deal with the Mayor of Hamburg: however many of his fellow pirates he could run past after his beheading would be set free. After the blade fell, his body got up off the ground and ran, headless, past eleven men. But then the executioner tripped him and executed all 73 anyway. (The executioner was from Wales, apparently.)
Sweet bloody hell! A headless dash to save your friends!? Oh man that is so METAL! This guy GOT IT. He just got it. Not even cutting off his head curtailed his badass-ness. In fact, it enhanced it. He was a man’s man, alright, and I think his name today translates to “beer bong.” He WAS Chip Ganassi.
So why am I telling you this? Simple. Because we now have the Störtebeker-Ganassi Scale of Badassery. It quantifies pure awesomeness, really – in any form – on a 10-point scale. It will be used here often. Consider yourself advised.
(As a point of reference, that picture of Wheldon & Marco from yesterday is a 0.0000000038 on the Störtebeker-Ganassi Scale. Food for thought.)
By Hamilton Fish, January 21, 2010 @ 3:45 pm
I just moved back from Hamburg a year ago and pathetically enough I’ve been to the Hamburg Dungeon. It’s a pretty lame tourist attraction, but there’s a wicked hot hostess named Miriam that can hook you up with some decent absinthe if that’s your thing. And yes, there’s a statue of this guy Stortebeker guy downtown…that though is decidedly badass. The Germans have always loved the raging agro types.
By Jason Mcveigh, January 21, 2010 @ 4:26 pm
The fact that there now IS a Stortebeker-Ganassi scale is worth a 10 on the Stortebeker-Ganassi scale. This is great, I learn way more on the pagoda than I ever did in school.
By Earnastine, January 21, 2010 @ 5:15 pm
Ganassi insisted that the status quo is no longer sufficient for racing to keep fans, sponsors and manufacturers involved and invested in the sport — whether in NASCAR, IndyCar, sports cars or even Formula One.
“We in the racing industry need to be bold in meeting and demonstrating tomorrow’s technology and innovations, showcasing what can be achieved as we embark on a new era of efficiency,” he said. “In order to keep the sport of auto racing healthy, it’s going to take our collective efforts.”
ESPN
LOL ROFL
By Bickelmom, January 21, 2010 @ 5:19 pm
What have you been reading, Roy? No more jaunts through random Wikipedia sites for you! Although, I will enjoy the new scale. Anything that combines the subjective assigning of value with Target and headless running is okay in my book.
By Br!an McKay, January 21, 2010 @ 6:37 pm
Did the ax-man, the executioner exclaim in German, “So’s your face”?
By cappy, January 21, 2010 @ 7:36 pm
I work with computer data everyday and take blood pressure meds. This means I’m only like a 2.5 on the SG scale, doesn’t it? Crap.
By BP, January 21, 2010 @ 10:28 pm
So Edgerrin James and his gold teeth at the Colts game on Sunday – roughly an 8.5 on the scale, I’d say.
By Roy Hobbson, January 21, 2010 @ 10:29 pm
@Earnastine — That quote is even funnier if you read it in a pirate voice. In fact, whenever Ganassi talks, I’m automatically turning it into pirate talk. Just because.
By Sarge, January 21, 2010 @ 11:07 pm
I wish I could see the faces of curious onlookers who happened to visit indycar.com today and opted to click on the Silent Pagoda link for the first time. “Hey what’s this??” *CLICK*
WELCOME TO THE THUNDERDOME, BITCHES!
By boilerRN, January 21, 2010 @ 11:44 pm
This Stortebeker fella seems rather Foyt like. Not Ganassi like.
By Earnastine, January 22, 2010 @ 12:14 am
Dario and Ashley are definetely 10.00 on the new Störtebeker-Ganassi Scale of Badassery!
“I intend to see to it that any man who sails under a pirate flag or wears a pirate brand gets what he deserves: a short drop and a sudden stop.”
By Roy Hobbson, January 22, 2010 @ 12:15 am
Jesus, boilerRN. For one thing, Foyt would’ve never gotten caught. But more importantly, beheading Foyt wouldn’t kill him. It’d just piss him off.
By P Daddy, January 22, 2010 @ 9:09 am
How about a counterbalance? The Stormtrooper-George scale? Sounds pretty undaunting!!! I picture tea, manicures, and readings from Thoreau after a mean faux-light saber match. Pretty intimidating, don’t you think? “Tony, I am your father” (insert James Earl Jones voice)
By Larry Phelps, January 22, 2010 @ 10:34 am
Stortebeker/Ganassi Scale?…at least a 9.
By Carrie, January 22, 2010 @ 10:48 am
OMFG Don’t Go Messin’ With a Country Boy! But no, not a 9. More like a 4 and that’s being generous. Cara Mia by Nikolai Volkoff, though? That there earns a 10. Hee… I’m not ashamed to admit to having The Wrestling Album on cassette AND vinyl back in the day.
By DZ, January 22, 2010 @ 11:19 am
I nominate FAZZT to become the official and only pirate Indycar team. All black car, jolly roger on the sidepod, foreign driver (already looks a wee bit pirate-like with his dark hair and goatee), needs to drive with an eyepatch…
They show up at all the races, steal parts, qualify 8th, finish 4th, storm the podium, take trophy and girls from the winners. ARRRRR! That would be about an 8.75 on the Stortebeker. Can’t wait for the new season…
By H.B. Donnelly, January 22, 2010 @ 1:19 pm
I know it’s sacrilegious, but I want to make a serious suggestion: turn TCGR over to Mike Hull and put Chipster in charge of the league! As we’ve established, he’s the Störtebecker of his time, he obviously has a wench in every trash-infested campground, and used some massive sponsorship money to make the mug drink itself in one gulp.
and Chipster can order the ghost of Störtebecker to leap out of the pagoda, punch Marco in the nose and shout “SO IST IHR GESICHT!”
By Riss, January 22, 2010 @ 1:46 pm
I was always more of a fan of “Grab them Cakes”
However, the best wrestling song ever is “Piledriver” by Hall of Famer Koko B Ware (how the hell did he get in?). In the song Koko compares being in love to receiving a piledriver. I think we can all relate to that.
If I were smart enough I would link to it. But Im not. Just google it, your life will improve.
By Carrie, January 22, 2010 @ 3:37 pm
Riss: Grab Them Cakes is good but that song ticks me off because JYD died owing me 20 bucks, my hand to God.
Rick Derringer’s version of Real American still makes me tear up.
By Jason Mcveigh, January 22, 2010 @ 4:08 pm
Carrie.. Riss.. C’mon, no love for ‘Jive soul bro’ by slick? Also, ‘Stand back’ by Vince McMahon deserves a mention just for the moves he busted out whilst performing that song at the slammys! And by the way, that link to The Awl says that Stortebekers skull is missing! Anyone check the Ganassi trophy case?
By Carrie, January 22, 2010 @ 4:21 pm
Hee, I bet Hobbson never imagined this discussion devolving to talking about wrestling theme songs. Jason, internet hubby of mine, I’m betting AJ Foyt took the skull and ground it up to put on his wheaties and jack for extra flavor.
By Jason Mcveigh, January 22, 2010 @ 5:21 pm
The mystery of stortebekers missing skull is one thing but, internet wife Carrie, how the hell did JYD come to owe you twenty bucks?
By Coz, January 22, 2010 @ 7:13 pm
Wait just a dang tootin’ minute here! Have we all gone insane? Indy Car alrady has a bad ass. Badder than Mama George. Badder than Ganssi. Badder than Penske. Badder than AJ! Badder than Chuck Norris! Have we all forgotten the baddest of them all? A certain mild mannered Gomer Pyle, who steps into a near by Pagoda, and becomes,… Jim Nabors. You want bad, fools!? I’ll show ya bad. He’ll piss on Aunt Bee and sodomize Barney Fife in less than 30 seconds. Now that’s bad!.
By Roy Hobbson, January 22, 2010 @ 11:35 pm
Come now, Coz. Nabors is an omnipotent gentleman, and his scale reflects gentlemanly things — like fine Scotch & gold-plated pistols. Stortebeker & Ganassi represent straight ballers. There’s a difference.
By Riss, January 23, 2010 @ 9:42 am
Yes Carrie, please share with us how JYD died owing you $20. If I remember correctly he was working as a repo man at the time of his death. Dont confuse that with THE Repo Man, who terrorized the WWF in the mid 90s.
By Larry Phelps, January 23, 2010 @ 11:20 am
Calling Jim Nabors a bad ass is like saying the Gulf of Aden is great for yachting.
By Earnastine, January 23, 2010 @ 1:10 pm
Just saw Hulk Hoagan at the local Walmart with his girlz…had to LOL thinking he could have a rating on the scale next to the boyz in the hood… 00.0000040 or somewhere in that range.
By frankie x, January 23, 2010 @ 1:40 pm
Just curious. What rankings would the following people attain on the S-G Scale?
1. bobby unser vs. al unser, jr.
2. rick mears vs. helio castroneves
3. sarah vs. daniker
4. tony stewart vs. j.p. montoya
5. a.j. foyt vs. world war II
By H.B. Donnelly, January 23, 2010 @ 11:06 pm
well frankie, I’m going to make a rash assumption that you want us to say who would rank higher on the S-G Scale.
1. Bobby Unser easily beats nephew Al, simply because he had the chutzpah to give Mario Andretti — champion of all things with four wheels — and the entire idea of the so-called “Caution Flag” the metaphorical finger to win the 500.
2. Rick Mears, simply for that awesome beard he had a couple years ago.
3. Sarah falls into of the Jim Nabors category of being a total class act, so the S-G Scale doesn’t apply. If Danica loses a race to Carl Edwards, then dropkicks him as he flips off his car, she immediately moves to a perfect 10.
4. How many sprint car races has Montoya won? For that matter, how many stock car races has he won? Tony gets points for having a pet monkey and living in the crucible of badassery: Columbus, IN [citation needed]
5. A little known fact is that the Japanese fleet was only able to launch their attack because A.J. was busy wrestling a particularly large shark to consume raw for dinner that night. It was later discovered that Japan planted the shark to create the distraction. A.J. later “politely suggested” that the warring countries “quit all yer goddamned racket or I’ll invent the laptop just to smash it over yer head!” [again...citation needed]
By H.B. Donnelly, January 23, 2010 @ 11:09 pm
Also, it pains me to report that THE Izod commercial (scoring a 356.2 on the negative S-G Scale) has returned to torment the masses. Hide the women and children!
By frankie x, January 24, 2010 @ 2:16 pm
thanks, h.b.–I needed a credible source for my research paper on the S-G scale…but I’ll use you instead.
one more–Izod commercial vs. Sarah McLaughin’s dog and cat commercial?
By Carrie, January 25, 2010 @ 10:42 am
Internet hubby Jason & Riss: I was working at a corner market in the mid-90s. Mr. Dog has been staying at a weekly motel by the place for a few weeks. He came in one night and loaded up with sandwich fixings and had “forgot his wallet.” So me, being a total mark at the time and feeling sorry for him, paid for his stuff. He kept swearing he’d come back with the money but, of course, I never saw him again. Lesson learned about not being so trusting of people, even ones that entertained me as a kid. Well, there was this one time I let this hot guy sleep in my car all night but… I’m smarter than that now.
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