{IZOD IndyCar Series Christmas Party Monday night}
Terry Angstadt: Alright, folks. We’ve got a wonderful Christmas surprise for you. Let’s give a big IndyCar welcome to Santa!!!
[a sleigh pulled by 8 tiny backhoes explodes through the wall]
Santa Foyt: HO HO HO!!! Gather ’round, children, and tell Santa Foyt what you want for Christmas. Unless you’re one of them atheist queers, in which case you can get the hell outta my sight. You there — what do you want, little girl?
Dario Franchitti: I want another championship. Booyah!
Santa Foyt: [kicks Dario in the forehead with his boot] Here’s a pair of hair clippers. Go clean yourself up, ragamuffin. You look like a broad. Next!
Scott Dixon: I want a sharp sweater vest from J. Crew!
Santa Foyt: Pffffffft. Here’s a handgun and a bottle of lube. Go out there and live, son!! LIVE!!!! Next!
Danica: I want to win in Daytona and Bristol and –
Santa Foyt: [throws her through a plate-glass window] NEXT!!
Tony Kanaan: I want one of those Punkin Chunkin cannons so that I can rain down destruction upon those who have wronged me. Except instead of pumpkins, I ask that it fire mortar shells and military-trained wolves.
Santa Foyt: [wipes tear from eye] You’re the son I never had. Bless you, and enjoy your terrific instrument of death. It awaits you at home. Next!
Marco Andretti: YOU’RE NOT THE REAL SANTA CLAUS!!!! BECAUSE THE REAL SANTA CLAUS DOESN’T SMELL LIKE VODKA & CEMENT LIKE YOU DO!!! YOU’RE A PHONY, AND SO’S YOUR FACE!!!! I HATE YOU!!! YOU’RE NOTHING BUT A STUPID –
Santa Foyt: [chokes him out, sweeps body under the rug] Next!
Brian Barnhart: I don’t want shit from you, old man. Except for the respect you owe me.
Santa Foyt: Dispose of that body under the rug and we’ll talk. Next!
EJ Viso: Can you deliver pets, Santa Foyt? I want a wolverine and an albino badger. Separate cages of course, and angry as hell. I want to train with them in my concrete crypt filled with razor blades and mustard gas, just like the ancient Romans!
Santa Foyt: You know, my elves told me you were a little off. Maybe that’s just ‘cause they love you so much. I think I’m starting to grow fond of you too. Angry deadly pets it is, little fella! Have fun!!! Next!
Vitor Meira: SENSEI!! I want to kick Death in the groin and then beat Him over the head with His own sickle. That is all, Sensei.
Santa Foyt: That’s my boy. You’ve come a long way, son. Now go fetch me the beating heart of a puma.
Vitor Meira: AYE, SENSEI!!!! [runs out of party]
Santa Foyt: Next!!
…
By pressdog, December 22, 2009 @ 1:19 pm
SO’S YOUR FACE just never gets old. (Swigs turpentine and lights his resulting belch in AJ’s honor)
By CurlingRacer, December 22, 2009 @ 2:00 pm
Brillant…absolutely brillant!! The son I never had….OMG!!
By izod9, December 22, 2009 @ 2:05 pm
What Santa will bring AJ: Bigger Bulldozer, Some heavy duty driving boots so his driver will keep flat out in the turns, new heavy duty laptop, Mario Andretti Pinata.
By Sarge, December 22, 2009 @ 2:08 pm
Santa Foyt doesn’t want cookies laid out for him. He wants Scotch and porn.
By Roy Hobbson, December 22, 2009 @ 2:24 pm
^^^ Oh God. Here we go. (Don’t mind if I do.)
Santa Foyt checks his list ONCE. Because checking twice is for womenfolk & foreigners.
By Bickelmom, December 22, 2009 @ 2:30 pm
This post is the greatest of Christmas presents!
By @djcraske, December 22, 2009 @ 2:40 pm
Sarah Fisher: (*Stares at Santa, smiles ear-to-ear, announces her full-ride sponsorship, and keeps walking*)
Santa Foyt: “I just got passed by a GIRL!”
By Heit Harrelson, December 22, 2009 @ 2:51 pm
Santa Foyt: Jim Neighbors, you get a Scottish kilt and a plasma gun like schwarzenegger used in Eraser. Let’s put some fun back in the 500 pre-race!
By Ryan Worden, December 22, 2009 @ 3:02 pm
Tony George: (sits on Santa Foyt’s lap looking sullen and downtrodden)…”Its been a tough year for me Santa Foyt, all I want for Christmas is…”
Santa Foyt: “Tough year…. let me help” (throws live lion at Tony who sprints away)….
Santa Foyt: “Keep in all in perspective youngin’”
By Hamilton Fish, December 22, 2009 @ 3:17 pm
Santa Foyt would also exile Prancer on account of his “queerish” type name and make lewd, drunken advances on Vixen. When told Vixen was in fact a large deer Santa Foyt merely shrugs.
By Roy Hobbson, December 22, 2009 @ 3:24 pm
Santa Foyt’s sleigh is actually a poorly constructed “beer-amid” he & Robert Parish made in Cancun in the Spring of ’86. #SantaFoytFacts
By jason mcveigh, December 22, 2009 @ 3:28 pm
Paul Tracy: I want my 2002 Indy 500 trophy
Santa Foyt: I feel for ya kid, they took a victory off one of my guys in Texas back in ’97
Paul Tracy: So what did you do?
Santa Foyt: I slapped a Dutchman down into a pile of tulips and kept the trophy anyway. How about I give you a ride next year?
Paul Tracy: Not in one of your cars again old man, they’re slower than you.
Santa Foyt: Why you little $#&@
An epic fight breaks out a la Roddy piper and Keith David in They Live!
By Carrie, December 23, 2009 @ 10:12 am
^^^ Marry me, Jason?
An epic fight breaks out a la Roddy piper and Keith David in They Live! EPIC MOVIE FIGHT!
By Carrie, December 23, 2009 @ 10:13 am
Santa Foyt would have shot Ralphie’s eye out himself.
By Tom G., December 23, 2009 @ 11:11 am
Santa Foyt says: Stockings? Stockings are for strippers you fruity sumbitch. Real men staple steel toed boots to their mantle.
By jason mcveigh, December 23, 2009 @ 12:07 pm
This was one of the funniest postings ever. Kudos MR. Hobbson.
By nickh360, December 23, 2009 @ 12:08 pm
Ok, off topic here. But I keep seeing you guys reference ‘So’s your face.’ What’s the background there?
By Jason Mcveigh, December 23, 2009 @ 1:24 pm
Carrie, I suggest that we have a Pagoda themed wedding presided over by Roy. It probably wouldn’t be legally binding anywhere other than The Silent Pagoda but where else matters?
By Carrie, December 23, 2009 @ 1:50 pm
Jason: Great idea. Jim Nabors as the wedding singer, then?
By Chrissy, December 23, 2009 @ 2:05 pm
nickh360: if you’re still wondering about “so’s your face” read the Halloween post for background. its hilarious!
By Roy Hobbson, December 23, 2009 @ 2:10 pm
Jason & Carrie: Knock it off, you two. Jesus. This isn’t the back room of The Alley Cat, where marriages are made (and broken). This is a resepctable website & trusted source of IndyCar news. Now where were we?
Ahhhh yes, I remember.
Santa Foyt’s urine is actually 85% tobacco spittle.
By Carrie, December 23, 2009 @ 3:28 pm
Roy: How dare you interfere with my dream fake internet wedding!
Santa Foyt’s urine is actually 85% tobacco spittle. So’s your face!
By BC, December 24, 2009 @ 2:08 am
The Pagoda is much like a pet chimpanzee. You think it’s there to help. You think you know its limits.
And then one* day…
*in the case of SP, “every” is probably a better word to use here.
By DZ, December 24, 2009 @ 10:39 am
Santa Foyt was supposed to help Santa Claus deliver toys back in ’82 but was taken out on a Christmas Eve melee during takeoff. When Foyt was asked how it started, he said ‘Hell I don’t know, he ran right square into my goddamned left front.’ Who you ask? Yep, again it was Kevin Cogan and my dad said that’s why I never got any presents that year… That’s just racin’ I guess.
Happy Holidays All!!
By Coz, December 24, 2009 @ 2:52 pm
Penske: Santa Foyt, will you have someone on your team take out a Ganassi driver. I have a 55 gallon drum of Copenhagen in it for you.
Santa Foyt: There’s a deal I can deliver on. Hell, som’bitchin’ kid end up on the wall every race anyway.