Bill Polian: Colts fans, for the last time, you will heed my wisdom. We will rest the starters from here on out. 16-and-0 means nothing if Peyton breaks his back. You people are ill-equipped for these type of decisions, and you are dumb.

Jim Nabors: But not scared.

Polian: Excuse me?

Nabors: No, I don’t think I will. This is such a crock of shit.

Polian: Mr. Nabors, you will watch your language. You are at the Colts Complex now, not a plush Hawaiian retirement community where anything goes. Listen here, Colts fans — I will give you one final opportunity to understand my supreme logic.

Nabors: COLTS FANS DON’T WANT IT!! They don’t need to toe your company line of “We can’t risk injuries.” What the hell is that? What is your motto here? “Fans, ensconce yourselves from greatness and retreat to the warmth of your mommy’s womb? Anything short of that we’re gonna burn you at the stake?”

Well, gentlemen, when the shit hits the fan — some guys run and some guys stay. Here are Colts fans and players, embracing the moment … and there’s Mr. Risk Avoidance, hiding behind conventional wisdom and a hyper-safe mentality. And what are you doin’? You’re gonna destroy the former and reward the latter?

Polian: Are you finished, Mr. Nabors?

Nabors: NO I’M JUST GETTING WARMED UP!!!

Now I don’t know who played for this organization: Curtis Dickey, Clarence Verdin, Cornelius Bennett — whoever. Their careers are dead, if they ever had one. They’re gone. You’re building an apathetic fan base here. A vessel for supporters shrinking from history. And if you think you’re preparing these minnows for manhood, you better think again! Because I say you are KILLING THE VERY SPIRIT THIS ORGANIZATION PROCLAIMS IT SUPPORTS!! 

What a sham! What kind of show you guys puttin’ on here this month? I mean, the only class in this act is sittin’ next to me. And I say, these fans’ souls are INTACT. They’re non-negotiable. You know how I know? Because someone here — I’m not gonna say who — offered to buy it with regular season supremacy and a curmudgeon’s sensibilities. Only Joe Colts Fan here wasn’t selling.

Polian: Sir, you are out of order!

Nabors: OUT OF ORDER?!?!? I’LL SHOW YOU OUT OF ORDER!!! You don’t know what out of order is, Mr. Polian!!! I’d show you but I’m too old, too handsome, and too much of a gentleman. If I were the man I was 20 years ago, I’D TAKE A FLAMETHROWER TO THIS PLACE!!!!!

Out of order. Who the hell do you think you’re talking to?

I’ve been around, you know? There was a time I could sing like a young Robert Goulet. And I HAVE sung about fans like these — younger than these – their playoff dreams dashed, their teams quitting on them.

But there is NOTHING like the sight of an emasculated city. There are not enough vocal coaches to help that.

You think you’re doing the right thing here, Mr. Polian, but I say you are EXECUTING THESE FANS’ SOULS!! And why? Because they won’t toe your comapny line? Because they’re not ”Colts men?” You hurt these fans, you’re going to be tender-footed transients, the lot of ya. And to whoever thought this play-it-safe mentality was good in the past — Tony Dungy, Jim Irsay, Bob Lamey – wherever you are out there, F–K YOU TOO!!

Polian: Stand down Mr. Nabors!

Nabors: I’M NOT FINISHED!!!! 

Now when I came to this town to sing for the first time, I heard those words … ”cradle of conventional wisdom.” Well, when the bough breaks, the cradle will fall. And it has fallen here. IT HAS FALLEN!! Makers of winners, creators of champions … be careful what kind of champions you’re producing here.

I don’t know if Colts fans’ outrage here today is right or wrong — I’m no judge or jury. But I can tell you this: they won’t back down from a shot at immortality!!

And THAT, my friends, is called being a vertebrate. That’s called having some stones. Now that’s the stuff teams and cities should be made of.

I have come to the crossroads in my life. I always knew what the right path was, Gomer Pyle notwithstanding. Without exception, I knew. But I never took it. You know why?

It was too damn hard.

Now here’s the Colts fan base. They’ve come to a crossroads. They have chosen a path, and it’s the right path. It’s a path of a city trying to achieve greatness. A town that plans to stand out amongst the other mid-sized towns of this great country.

Let us continue on our journey. You hold this city’s future in your hands, Mr. Polian. It’s a valuable future. Believe me. Don’t strip away our chance to show this to the rest of the great experiment we call America. Protect it. Embrace it.

It’s gonna make you proud some day … I promise you.