Ever dragged two toddlers around Disney World for 16 consecutive hours? I have — this past Friday, actually. And I’m here to tell you that the myths are true: it’s 16 hours of pure mayhem that will WRECK YOUR SHIT. It’s parental madness, and it will take you to the very brink of physical, psychological, financial and emotional ruin. Hidden dangers await your every move inside those walls, and that is how it’s always been.
Take the Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse, for example. It’s held out to be a charming little get-away from the chaos of the park — a peaceful treetop respite high atop the frenzy of the masses. It’s delightful. Right? WRONG!! LIES!!! All of it, LIES!! It is fiendish & wicked, and it wants you destroyed.
Because in reality, climbing that beast is far too physical for today’s lazy children, and they want nothing to do with it. But once in, there’s no turning back. There’s no escape. So what happens? It quickly morphs into its natural state: a hellish Navy SEAL survival drill of some sort — one specifically designed to weed out the weak & the fat (read: me). For you see, I had no choice but to hoist my linebacker-sized son onto my shoulders … and then embark on a 2-mile vertical climb up a f–king tree. And then right back down. (TAKE THAT, SPINAL COLUMN!!! LET’S SEE YOU FUNCTION NOW!!!) I’m still walking like AJ Foyt after a day of intense bulldozer wrestling — all hobbled & lurching.
But alas, crippling back pain — in and of itself — is a mere drop in the proverbial bucket of BEATDOWN that is Disney. So too are the many boat rides through Timothy Leary’s acid flashbacks. And the $70 meals. And the miles upon miles of walking while carrying kids & assorted gear, which will all but deep fry your knee ligaments. And there’s the ill-tempered shopkeeps, don’t forget. And the never-ending lines. And the crazed chocolatiers pushing their sugary wares on your already tweaked-out kids … and their subsequent DEFCON-8 meltdowns when you tell them no. And so forth & so on.
Taken separately, these inconveniences could be somewhat tolerable. But when you stack them all together over a 16 hour stretch? Holy Hell. You can just go ahead & march your sorry ass right over to Nervous Breakdown Mountain (“Straining Marriages Since 1967!!!”™).
In the end, though, it all proved worthwhile. More than worthwhile, really. For many reasons. It’s a tradition-rich icon of Americana, Disney World is. I get it. I understand the history, and all that comes with it. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to see some changes to the park for when I inevitably return — some added improvements that might increase my overall enjoyment and otherwise NOT leave me physically & psychologically shattered. And if they can do it without violently gang-raping my wallet, well I’d sure appreciate that too.
Does that make me a heretic of some kind? An Al Qaeda operative? No. Not really. I mean, I’m not requesting that the Cinderella Castle be replaced with an IHOP, for example. I’m not messing with the biggies. I’m not a monster.
And neither is Jeff Belskus.
By now, you’re well aware that he’s taken another tradition-rich icon of Americana & started making changes to it. Nothing drastic. Nothing sacrilegious. He’s not selling the naming rights of The 500 to The Men’s Warehouse, for example. But they are changes nonetheless … with more on the way. And while these moves aren’t necessarily designed for my (or your) enhanced enjoyment of the month of May, Belskus has in fact opened that particular door. He’s clearly not opposed to tweaking the tradition-rich system, and the time is right to weigh in with our suggestions.
Welcome to Project Indy Enhancement.
In the weeks to come, we’ll be doing what once considered heresy: we’ll be outlining a whole host of ideas designed strictly for the betterment of the Indy 500 (and all of Her majestic accoutrements). Perhaps it’s something as trivial as removing those evil urinal troughs from existence. Or perhaps it’s something more profound, like giving Donald Davidson command of his own military unit for the month to use as he sees fit. Maybe you think Track Fries should be sold by the bushel. Or perhaps prime locales in the Coke Lot should be determined by organized knife fights. There is nothing taboo, and every suggestion is hereby on the table. Except anything pertaining to Jim Nabors. He is the Sacred Cow, and goddamn you for thinking otherwise.
In this ongoing series, we’ll take the best ideas and expand upon them. Because while we certainly revere the history & traditions of the month, that doesn’t mean we can’t offer up some suggestions that might increase our overall enjoyment of it.
That’s not heresy. That’s America. And that’s the way it’s always been.
By H.B. Donnelly, December 17, 2009 @ 1:32 pm
Here’s what we change: the “Month of May” shall henceforth be called the “Fortnight of May(hem)”. Why is it a good idea? Because Wimbledon uses it, and they’re the classiest operation in the history of the world.
No more changes beyond that, though! They’re already making it completely reasonable to get back to your car after the race. They’re making the town of Speedway into some place that people will actually want to go to. They’re trying to make the cars look good or some ridiculousness. There is plenty enough change coming to what shall soon be known as Crawfordsville & Main…let’s leave it at that.
By BP, December 17, 2009 @ 1:49 pm
I thought spots in the Coke lot were already determined by knife fight?
I’d say bringing back the Snake Pit couldn’t hurt, especially if the Fortnight of May(hem) sticks. Because as the 500 tries to bring in a younger demographic, what screams to the young-ins like an area designated for kegs, cornhole, and other assorted debaucherous acts?
By Carrie, December 17, 2009 @ 3:02 pm
Apparently the old Weaver grandstands at Atlanta Motor Speedway were the southern equivilant (I know I spelled that wrong but I cannot be arsed to look it up) of the Snake Pit. I loved that grandstand and was sad to see it wiped out for the sake of bad seats in turn four where nothing fun ever happens.
I long for the day (hopefully this coming Memorial Day) that I get to see the Coke Lot & IMS as it’s meant to be seen and not as a cesspool of dirty snow and construction equipment like the last time I was there.
By scott bloom, December 17, 2009 @ 3:07 pm
The qualifying format is a huge change, supposedly to better the show. Do you agree? I agree, but only begrudgingly. I’m a purist but welive in a new world now. http://wp.me/pIux9-4g
By MM, December 17, 2009 @ 4:11 pm
Opening day , Pole day, Bump day, Carb day, Race day, and sprinkle in a couple practices all within 16 days! I used to have a month to get this done now I only have a couple weeks?
My liver with it’s middle finger in the air “damn you IMS damn you!”
By pressdog, December 17, 2009 @ 4:29 pm
Help me out, Roy. Why is the Saturday before the race The Dead Zone at the track? There’s just a public driver’s meeting. Woo hoooo. Let’s go listen to Barnhart talk for 30 minutes. People roll into town Friday night, why not have something at the track on Saturday. Get the FIL cars out there. Go Karts. Sky Divers. Carb day. Something. Or am I totally missing something here?
By jason mcveigh, December 17, 2009 @ 5:06 pm
Serious suggestion: once all enteries have been lodged for indy, have a random drawing to divide all the enteries into 3 groups. Let’s assume 39 cars enter so that’s 3 groups of 13. Each group gets an allocated period of time to qualify and at the end of each session the fastest 11 from each group make the grid leaving 6 cars to try and bump their way in on bump day.
Nutty suggestion: base qualifying on “Miss world” criteria. Instead of doing laps to see who makes the field, all enteries have to compete in a talent contest, swimsuit contest and a “what would winning Indy mean to you?” contest. The best 33 chosen by the judges make the field. FYI the judges should be Jack Arute, AJ Foyt and Ashley Judd.
By Aaron, December 17, 2009 @ 5:25 pm
How about confiscating Dave Callabro’s hairspray can for the month as the latest “green” initiative for the league — think of all the ozone that will be saved. Alternatively, you could force Jack Arute to wear Ashley Judd’s floppy sun hat to stave off the stage 4 melanoma he’s apparently working on (unless he’s got into Helio’s Dancing With The Stars spray-tan).
By Bickelmom, December 17, 2009 @ 5:53 pm
I suggest adding a “crazed fan day” for the truly devoted among us. Admission will be granted to those who have multiple IRL tattoos (or one life sized back tattoo of TK’s face), those who can name the 18th place finisher of the 1972 race, anyone who can photographically prove they helped push AJ’s car to the finish line, and the chosen few that know the pass-phrase “so’s your face, you waffle iron of destiny”.
These crazed fans can then run rampant on the grounds. We can have pictures taken of us weeping at the yard of bricks, we can be consoled by the yellow shirts, and we will skip merrily through the garages singing “Everything’s gonna be alright!”
By redd carr, December 17, 2009 @ 8:21 pm
They still have those urinal troughs?
By Roy Hobbson, December 17, 2009 @ 8:46 pm
The “Month of May” shall henceforth be called the “Fortnight of May(hem)”.
And so it shall be, H.B. Donnelly. For now & for all eternity.
By P Daddy, December 17, 2009 @ 9:15 pm
Tweak this! No more 6 hour qualifying days. If they’re going to shorten practice sessions, shorten qualifying. The reasons the crowds are down for quals is b/c noone wants to sit out there for 6 hours. 12-3pm each qual day, that’s it. Cram it all in and the crowds will come. We don’t need 5 1/2 hours of bump day conversation about who’s “going to find speed”.
Oh, and let’s get rid of the “Alley Cats”. Seriously, do we need to see Speedway’s finest tailgating outside the entrance to Gasoline Alley for 16 straight days? It’s amazing Motel 6 can stay open with half their employees taking the month off.
By 40, December 18, 2009 @ 11:38 am
If you don’t have anything going on Saturday, Pressdog, come on out to the coke lot and after about five minutes ill yell in my best Maximus voice “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED”
By BC, December 18, 2009 @ 11:39 am
‘We don’t need 5 1/2 hours of bump day conversation about who’s “going to find speed”’
Yes. But the reason that is true is because of all the compelling aspects that no longer exist within the current product. No one wants to sit there and watch proceedings that are largely devoid of intrigue and good stories (and high speeds and danger and different-looking cars and etc.). And then all this shortening just admits as much: “Our product is no longer good enough to be worth 4 days of qualifying”… it’s kind of painful to see because it feels like a contraction spiral – what are we doing to recapture all those lost product elements? But we’ll see. Maybe someone has a plan…
By BC, December 18, 2009 @ 11:44 am
Oh, wait, forgot where I was for a second. So um, hey…how bout that little “Silent Pagoda does not reflect the views of the IZOD IndyCar Series” disclaimer? Haven’t noticed it before. How long has that piece of literature been up there? Because it surely hasn’t been long enough.
By thebri2, December 18, 2009 @ 11:46 am
“If they’re going to shorten practice sessions, shorten qualifying. The reasons the crowds are down for quals is b/c no one wants to sit out there for 6 hours.”
I think I know what the P in P Daddy stands for.
By AP, December 18, 2009 @ 12:04 pm
Jason, your idea is brilliant. To tweak it,i say
day 1: 9am-1pm = group 1, 2-6pm = group 2
day 2: 9am-1pm = group 3, 2-6pm = bump time
this would be a great way to sell weekend tix for a sat and sun full of quals. People can then spend a weekend drinking away their lives’ which consists of wasting my valuable oxygen. God help you ICS if you let me down on the new car for 2012.
By jason mcveigh, December 18, 2009 @ 2:58 pm
AP, I like those tweaks. Let’s do this. Just don’t tell the higher ups we’re associated with the Pagoda or they won’t take our idea seriously.
By izod9, December 18, 2009 @ 10:53 pm
How about we just storm the track May 1st like French Revolutionaries, declare it May day and demand the IRL start racing or we won’t quit drinking. Speedway’s holding tank isn’t big enough to hold us all, they’d have to relent. If we fail, we probably won’t notice.
By Bob, December 20, 2009 @ 10:42 pm
aaron neville should sing the national anthem every year.
By Coz, December 21, 2009 @ 3:29 pm
First of all, you need to see the original Disney Land. At least in California, the $70 meal is about the same as going to In-N-Out after tax. That might make you feel better, or make you want to see California slide into the ocean. But, what can we do to make Indy more interesting? Easy! Combine 1 Arron Neville and 1 Waffle Iron of Destiny, and 1 Pagoda, and you get The Indy 500 of Soul: that’s right, while Aaron sings, we can throw chicken wings and waffles off the roof of the Pagoda to the cheering throngs below! Let’s get funky!!
By DZ, December 22, 2009 @ 10:43 am
I’m with izod9. We may be small in number, not well-organized, partially-sober, under-funded, and adopting a French form of protest, but under the guise of ‘Terre Haute Kiwanis Club track tour’ or ‘Logansport Toastmasters Hall-of-Fame tour’ we have our access. I will take out the folding chairs at the guard station at Gate 2 (leaving the yellowshirts with no choice but to stand up for hours or go home) then circle back to the pagoda and wrest control of the PA system.
Vive Le Revolucion!
PS: They better not take out the urinal troughs. This isn’t a Sheraton hotel, it’s Indy for feck sake.
PPS: Coz, you are brilliant. Instead of beads, you must flash for for chicken.