Non sequiturs are dynamite comedic devices, as well as the natural enemy of cacti. They are not, however, useful in the reporting of factual information. Unless, of course, you’re the Kansas City Star — and your stories are written by Shetland ponies & dim witted NASCAR operatives. Behold this wonderful, illogical conclusion from their Danica article on Monday:
Patrick signed a three-year contract extension with Andretti Autosport on Monday, which could pave the way for her desired foray into NASCAR.
Mmmmm, so illogical … so out-of-left-field. One clause has absolutely nothing to do with the other, and it’s quite exquisite. It just sneaks up on you & jams an unexpected hedge trimmer right into your funny bone. LET ME TRY SOME!!!
Patrick signed a deal that makes GoDaddy.com her primary sponsor, which could be an obvious indication that she’d rather have AIDS than race another year in the IZOD IndyCar Series.
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Patrick will wear a neon green firesuit in 2010, which obviously means she’ll murder anyone who stands between her & that which she so passionately craves: a contract with JR Motorsports.
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Patrick was not accompanied by Dolph Lundgren on Monday, which almost certainly means she thinks IndyCar is gay and NASCAR is all-powerful.
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Patrick chose to make her announcement on Good Morning America, which of course is just another way of saying, “Listen here, world … I’m pregnant — PREGNANT WITH THE DREAM OF RACING TRUCKS AT TALLADEGA!!!”
Oh, that was fun. Just as non sequiturs often are.
By pressdog, December 1, 2009 @ 6:42 pm
I’m in — Patrick unveiled her car in New York while doin shots of cobra and scorpion venom, which observers took as a clear sign that she longs to go five-wide in an ARCA car at Pocono.
By George Phillips (Oilpressure), December 1, 2009 @ 6:52 pm
Patrick announced her contract with Andretti Autosport on Good Morning America, which is on ABC so that obviously connects her to the Nationwide Series on ESPN2.
Good job, Roy!
By P Daddy, December 1, 2009 @ 8:29 pm
Danica slowly unzipped her jacket staring glowingly into my eyes, which one observer took as an invitation to stare incoherently back at her for 35 straight seconds…
By will-isitmayyet.com, December 1, 2009 @ 9:13 pm
Patrick signed a three-year contract extension with Andretti Autosport on Monday, which could be representative for her hatred of kittens.
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Patrick signed a receipt at the grocery store on Monday, which could lead to world peace, which was invented by NASCAR.
By Zachary, December 1, 2009 @ 10:21 pm
Patrick’s new car has a chrome horn, which clearly indicates she’s totally horny for some hot Nationwide action in 2010.
By jason mcveigh, December 1, 2009 @ 10:39 pm
Danica changed her socks this morning which many news sources are reporting as a sign of her desire to change from Indycar to Nascar.
By jp, December 1, 2009 @ 11:44 pm
Danica is a female racecar driver who pilots a green vehicle, who invariably thinks the COT is sexy. In fact, it really turns her on, evidenced in her zipper shot commercials and SI photoshoots.
By H.B. Donnelly, December 2, 2009 @ 2:01 am
Danica Patrick wrote a meaningless tweet this morning, the meaning of which is that she has signed a contract to drive a 22nd-place F1 car, fly her hypersonic jetpack powered by childrens’ tears to America, and drive a 35th-place stock car — all while being stalked by near-topless policewomen.
By Roy Hobbson, December 2, 2009 @ 9:25 am
Hey, look at that! “Patrick is dedicated to IndyCar season,” says Curt Cavin. Which obviously means that she isn’t.
By DZ, December 2, 2009 @ 10:12 am
Patrick signed a three-year contract extension with Andretti Autosport on Monday, which could pave the way for her desired foray into professional cookie-baking.
An unnamed, unconfirmed, subversive (and likely anti-American), sensationalist source informed me that the cookies will take the shape of the COT as a sign that she will eschew her freshly inked IZOD Indycar contract and enter the NASCAR world.
However, Robin also went on to state that some questions still exist whether the #48 cookie doesn’t have some sort of unfair aero advantage.
By DZ, December 2, 2009 @ 4:23 pm
PS: I just went back and re-read the entries of May 2008, “My First Indy 500″, and “Indy Recap” causing me to spend and inordinate amount of my Wednesday ignoring the work on my desk for the thought necessary in planning my annual trip this coming May. I damn you and thank you at the same time.
Needless to say your accounts cause the echoes of Gentleman Jim Nabors and Tom Carnegies of my past to wash over like a warm spring shower. Ahhhhhh, May. Glorious, glorious May…
By James, December 2, 2009 @ 8:21 pm
Danica Patrick signed a three year contract extension with Andretti Autosport, essentially guaranteeing that she would agree to race against Dale Earnhardt Jr. on the streets of Monaco in another Budweiser commercial starring Jay-Z. Though there is speculation that ESPN believes this to be the only footage available of Danica driving a car, it has been confirmed that this is the only visual evidence of Dale Jr. actually completing a pass outside of Talladega.
By Scott Bloom, December 3, 2009 @ 1:06 pm
Danica needs to do the double: race in NASCAR and race the 500. It’s been done by three drivers on the same day. http://wp.me/pIux9-2h
By Scott Bloom, December 3, 2009 @ 1:06 pm
Danica needs to do the double: race in NASCAR and race the 500. It’s been done by three drivers on the same day. http://wp.me/pIux9-2h
And we love the Silent Pagoda, which inspires us and gives us strength in these dark months without racing.
By Coz, December 3, 2009 @ 2:46 pm
Patrick signed a three-year contract extension with Andretti Autosport on Monday, which could pave the way for Coz to carry the 43#, sacred official “Waffle Iron of Destiny” through the airport HSA security check in LasVegas, to Chicago, and then ceremonially transferred to the limo of the Wabash, and paraded down I-65 to the IMS. Bring your own blueberries.
By Roy Hobbson, December 3, 2009 @ 2:53 pm
“Waffle Iron of Destiny” is now mine, and it will be the name of my yacht someday. I thank you for it.
By pressdog, December 3, 2009 @ 5:20 pm
There’s no other name for your yacht, Roy, than The Non Sequitur. Thank me later.
By thebri2, December 4, 2009 @ 2:01 pm
His other yachts: Tartar Sauce and Busy Beaver.
By Heit Harrelson, December 6, 2009 @ 8:06 am
Patrick was accompanied at her Good Morning America announcement by Michelle Wie. Clearly showing she has at least the second dumbest agent in sports. Lookout Darlington, Ms. Patrick commeth!
By Xorpheous, December 7, 2009 @ 7:50 pm
The Kansas City Star is notorious for this kind of dribble, especially from its sports ‘writers’. There are actually many intelligent and thoughtful people in and around Kansas City, its just that none of them write for the Star.