A good Halloween costume need not be expensive, really. Or overly complicated. Rather, a good Halloween costume need only be a caricature – an expensive, overly complicated caricature that accentuates the mannerisms of who you’re trying to convey.

And when you’re trying to convey an IndyCar personality at your Halloween party of choice, there is little room for error. The costume itself is crucial, sure. But so too are the subtle touches. And your general demeanor, which will only help with your overall convincingness. It’s the little things, you see, that make all the difference. And they can be terribly difficult to pull off. Which is why the Pagoda is here to help.

The following is a list of potential costume ideas for the IndyCar fan. Do with them what you will.

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Jack Arute – Wear a headset & fake goatee. Carry a microphone. The key, though, lies in lathering your skin with chestnut-brown, high-gloss shoe polish. But don’t let its scent overpower your familiar musk (cigarette smoke & six pints of Drakaar.) Repeatedly ask every female on the premises if she wants a ride on your “Jack-o-lantern.”

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH: A vermouth-stained denim VERSUS shirt drenched in sweat.

GENERAL DEMEANOR: Aroused.

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Tony Kanaan – Have a green firesuit, do you? Fantastic. Now cut the sleeves off. On your bare bicep, place a giant tattoo of a gorilla chewing tobacco & wielding a grenade launcher (as well as 402 different surgery scars along your arm). Also, be sure to carry a 700-pound mule carcass over your shoulders. You want it so that it’s almost impossible to carry, but not quite. Be sure to inscribe “Andretti Green Racing” in large letters along the flank of said mule carcass.

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH: Douse yourself in flames.

GENERAL DEMEANOR: Hardcore. And tired.

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Ashley Judd– You’ll need a 28-gallon sun hat, of course. And a sun dress. It’s critical, though, that before the party you throw down a few glasses of DayQuil. And a whole lot of speed. Let the wonders of that mixture carry you through the night. You’ll wow the party-goers as you speak incoherently & occasionally whisper threatening secrets to the leather ottoman.

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH: If you have the mental wherewithal, remember to loudly refer to the bartender as A GENTLEMAN!!! every time he pours you a drink.

GENERAL DEMEANOR: Skittish.  

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Scott Dixon– Wear a pair of beige Dockers trousers, a beige L.L. Bean polo shirt, and walk around the party sticking coasters under everyone’s drinks. Repeatedly request that someone turn off that ”damn hippie music” and ask that it be replaced with a soothing Garrison Keillor recording.

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH: Mumble quietly about your bunions hurting, as well as how it’s terribly past your bedtime.

GENERAL DEMEANOR: Reserved.

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Roger Penske – Wear an expensive Hugo Boss business suit, and dye your hair silver. Carry a leather-bound copy of Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War,” as well as a world map. When people ask who you’re dressed up as, quickly respond that “it is none of your concern.” But casually mention that you rather enjoy this neighborhood, and that you’d like to buy it.

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH: Hire two well-dressed interns to flank you at all times — speaking into their wrists — not unlike the Secret Service.

GENERAL DEMEANOR: Powerful.

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Marco Andretti – Wear any ensemble from Abercrombie & Fitch, as well as a Venom Energy Drink ballcap. Then walk face-first into unsuspecting people & various walls. Do that all night, stopping only to yell at the host for poor wall placement. 

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH: Anytime anyone asks you a question — no matter what that question may be – respond by angrily shouting “SO IS YOUR FACE!!!!!!!” and then quickly storm off. Preferably right into another wall.

GENERAL DEMEANOR: Surly.

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Chip Ganassi — Stuff throw pillows underneath your white TCGR dress shirt. Wear black designer slacks, a pair of football cleats, and a makeshift cape. Carry two handles of Goldschläger — one to chug from, and the other to spray into people’s faces. Keep a bottle of Capt. Curt’s Famous Barbeque Sauce holstered on your hip, but speak nothing of it. You may or may not have a lasso looped around your shoulder.       

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH: Put on a couple of massive faux-championship rings of some kind, and wear a beer funnel on your head like a tophat.

GENERAL DEMEANOR: Awesome.

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Danica Patrick – You’ll need the flowing black wig, obviously. And the smoking-hot body to pull off the thong bikini & high heels effectively. Act casually. Periodically compliment the host on the yummy smell of his pool table and/or the Bose sound system. Every three minutes, tell everyone that you’re leaving. But don’t.

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH: If anyone there is dressed like Milka Duno, go slam a barstool over her head whenever she’s not looking.  

GENERAL DEMEANOR: Aloof.

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AJ Foyt – Jam 17 couch cushions into your waistband and wear a 1983 Copenhagen Smokeless Tobacco hat. Then afix three fake rattlesnakes to your neck … put bullet holes in your shoulder … wedge an airplane propeller into your calf … place four external pacemakers on your chest … wrap a 9-iron around your throat … leave a severed femoral artery dangling … and air-brush worrisome electrical burns all over your body. Every now & again, shake your fist at God and determinedly shout “YOU CAN’T KILL ME!!!!!”  

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH: Have every joint in your body fused beforehand.

GENERAL DEMEANOR: Fiery.

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IndyCar blogger – Wear unflattering sweatpants, a Cheeto-stained t-shirt, and a sash that reads “IndyCar blogger.” Carry a laptop. Walk around the party making disparaging remarks about everyone’s costumes, making sure to point out ALL the flaws (while acknowledging none of your own). Crack snarky & potentially mean-spirited jokes about your host … then laugh uncontrollably and wonder aloud why nobody is laughing with you. Make sure you smell of stir fry.  

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH: Drink pine tar out of a Pringles can.

GENERAL DEMEANOR: Obnoxious.