Welcome to the Inbox of Opportunity, where the only dumb question is the question about some overly technical racing point that requires a mechanical engineering degree from MIT to comprehend. Welcome to freedom.

It’s the Mailbag for the Masses, if you will. And it’s long overdue. Or possibly an awful idea. We’ll let history decide.

Let us adjorn to your questions …

.


.

One of these next 18 days, I’ll probably throw this idea up on my blog, but for now, I will share it with you:

Can we start raising some funds (not that he needs it) to get The Haast Eagle to do this in front of Briscoe and Franchitti prior to the finale?

As far as New Zealand bad-assery goes, it’s at the top of the list (probably because the Haast Eagle is extinct). And since New Zealand beats the hell out of Australia and Scotland in rugby (where the haka is routinely done), I think Dixon needs to bring this to IndyCar. Or bring the All Blacks to the race and do it with them in front of the field.

One it would add some personality to Dixon. Second, we’ve already given him a badass nickname – why not give him a badass personality, to boot?

Have a good one.

- Bill

I don’t know what to tell you. If Dixon wants to be the most recognized badass on the planet who takes IndyCar to unimaginable heights — then yeah, he’ll do it. If he doesn’t, he won’t. Simple as that.

(As an aside, I’d want my neurosurgeon busting into the O.R. doing the Haka dance. It just oozes confidence & bravado, frankly. And if there’s ANYONE you want oozing confidence & bravado, it’s the guy who’s about to go digging through your cerebral cortex with a scalpel.) 

.


.

I found this on the old indycar.com Talkback section and I ask: why isn’t this your official tagline yet:

“Silent Pagoda at 3am scares the hell out of me.”

http://www.indycar.com/news/talkback/topic.php?post=150461

Rich

That’s spectacular, in so many different ways. And it seems to be genuine – it seems to come straight from his heart. Not unlike a terrified whimper. It’s endearing, really.

(As a semi-related story, if you Googled “Silent Pagoda” in the site’s early days, only ONE item would come up. It’s title? “The Muted Lesbian Voice.” Seriously. So I’ve always wanted to use that as the site’s tagline. My superiors disagree.) 

.


.

What is your best guess for the new chassis/engine specs for 2012?

Coach Denny

What’s a chassis?

.


.

Regarding the Dave Lewandowski story from indycar.com titled “Boldly Into the Future”, Brian Barnhart is quoted as saying “My anticipation continues to be for the package to roll out in the 2012 season”.

Now the question:

“My anticipation”? What the hell does that really mean?

Rob Sims

Trust me, I can think of nothing more delightful than negligently putting words into Barnhart’s mouth. Except maybe if those words were actually pine cones lathered with hot sauce – and I put them there with my fist. I suppose I’d delight in that even more. But really, I’m down to the last race on my contract here. It’d be nice to wrap this up without ONCE getting earnestly threatened with termination. That’d be a feather in my cap, frankly, and one I never thought I’d have. So I’ll do the honorable thing here.  

Here’s Barnhart — in his own words — answering your question, Rob:

We’re just trying to keep our options open to possibly do something sooner (2011). It could have read the same had I added “at the latest” at the end of the statement.

Now then — can we talk about something NOT so race-y and serious?

.


.

May I have EJ Viso’s phone number? Oh and the number to someplace that sells pre-made lime jello in bulk?

These two questions may or may not be related.

Carrie

Jesus. Can we talk about something that doesn’t rape my eyeballs?

.


.

Hi Roy!
Here are my questions…I probably have more I can’t think of…

Well, this isn’t exactly designed as a multiple-question, rapid-fire type of –

Did the stuffed Target dog not make it through customs? I did not see him chilling on Dixon’s car in the photos after his victory…

Okay. Well … Japan is a wholly owned subsidiary of Hello Kitty, I’ve heard. So it stands to reason that dogs are frowned upon there.

Who is in the Firehawk costume? I like to know who I am fist bumping…Lindy doesn’t know who it is but since you know EVERYTHING…

This is above my pay grade, unfortunately. That’s why I sought counsel with an IndyCar higher-up who is well versed in such matters, and who will remain anonymous. His exact, verbatim response to my “Who is in the Firehawk costume?” question is as follows:

Firehawk is an covert CIA operative. The government watches the auto industry in many non-traditional ways. Firehawk seems to be granted access to everywhere. He’s even been seen leaving Banhart’s coach after hours.

*The fowl responds well to the cheeses and Yankee candles.*

(Should you be able to travel down to Miami for the finale, you might be able to crack that code.)

Hey, how ’bout that, Amy. You’re fist-bumping a Jason Bourne-like kill unit who might stab your forehead with a tire pressure gauge and think nothing of it. That’s good fun right there, and the mascot just got infinitely more interesting. (“OOH! OOH! OOH! ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!!! RIGHT HERE RIGHT HERE!!!! GIMMIE A T-SHIRT!!! HEY, FIREHAWK!!!!!! QUIT BEING A PRICK AND – **dead**)

Is Scott Dixon too good to use Twitter or does he do his own tweeting in the third person?

I don’t use Twitter. Maybe — just like me — Scott Dixon is a wonderful bastion of virtue & humanity who considers the practice unsettlingly egotistical.

Who is this guy (the one in the Citgo suit – not the dudes on the left)???

Oh him? That’s just 1983 Bryant Gumbel. He’s always in the paddock area, just blowing coke & jogging in place a lot. He’s Milka Duno’s race strategist, I think.  

Why does Team 3G bother?

I know, riiiight?! What’s their deal?!? It’s like, they’re such a woefully nondescript … [Googles "Team 3G" to see who they are] … racing team! I’m with you there, Amy.

The Panda incident….WTF?

There are many “Panda incidents” here, I’m afraid. Please be more specific next time.

Thanks!
Amy

.


.

Who’ll be a less charismatic champion, Briscoe or Dixon? Zzzzzz…..

-MrBeeb

Hey, MrBeeb … have you ever met Tim Duncan? He has all the charisma of a crowbar. He makes Briscoe & Dixon look like Siegfried & Roy. (Without the gay, I mean.) There are far less charismatic faces of league champions.

.


.

Why is it that with all the specialization in sports at such early ages that the quality of play seems to be much worse in all major sports?

Bothers me with all these 8 year olds playing year round sports and missing out on participating in others. What’s really troubling is that it hasn’t produced anything more spectacular on the field.

Jayson

Here we go!!! Great question.

I can only speak to basketball. Which is fine, I suppose, because that’s the sport that most embodies what you’re implying. At least in the public perception it does. But truthfully, you — and everyone else who has become disenchanted with the sport — are not seeing a lessened “quality of play” … but rather a substantially heightened “quality of defense.”

In the college & NBA game, an overwhelming majority of practice time, game preparations, video sessions, walk-throughs, scouting reports, and general strategies are defense-oriented. And when everything is geared toward defense – to the point where it’s very effective — offenses get bogged down tremendously & the aesthetics of the on-court product suffer. And open shots become rare.

There’s your answer, Jayson.*

*It’s entirely possible that that’s not the answer, Jayson. Because it could very well be that we’re just getting old. And thinking the things that old people think. (“KIDS TODAY SUCK, AND THEY DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT BASKETBALL!! John Stockton is rolling over in his grave right now … and STILL kicking it out to the open man!! That’s because he KNOWS basketball!!”)

.


.

Beard, mustache, clean shaven, goatee or other? Given your response, how does this explain the world’s impending end?

Sticky McCombs

Mustache. No doubt. For I want nothing more in life than to have Jeff Fisher’s burly mustache (and all the perks that come with it … like the instant respect of everyone who gazes upon my face, for example). But alas, I grow facial hair about as well as a 7-year-old Cherokee girl. So my dream will never happen. 

[shakes fist at God]

WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

.


.

If TK wanted to beat the shit out of his #11 car with his bare hands, which Tupac song would he listen to while doing it??

cappy

“Ambitionz az a Ridah,” Kanaan says. So there you go. 

(Interestingly, he says nothing about NOT wanting to beat the shit out of his car with his bare hands. Food for thought.) 

.


.

If Jim Nabor’s health does not allow him to make the trip to the track again this May should we just move the 500 to Hawaii? Maybe stage it just below his bedroom window so that they can roll him over on his side to do his sweet pre-race serenade.

Jeff L.

No need, Jeff. He’s Jim Nabors, and it’s only 3,483 miles from the track to his home in Hana. All he needs is a shot of vermouth & a bullhorn. We’ll hear him just fine. And we will weep with pride.