Cue “Beast of Burden.” All systems are go.

1:16 — Now’s a good time to squeeze in some quick race recaps. Kevin? “Forgettable.” IndyCar employee: “Unremarkable.” Shaun? “I withhold judgment.” (He’s waiting until he watches it again on DVR. Nerd.) Tom? “Same race, different track.” And so forth around the room, but that’s enough of that.

Lost in Transmission. That’s the final description. What was successful Stateside certainly did not resonate in Japan. Just like Chevy Tahoes.

And The Great Taser Offer of ’09 rages on, in earnest. It’s garnered the lion’s share of interest this night, and it will be the most memorable aspect of the race – tase or no-tase. That is certainly not a good thing. For anyone. Good night, all.

1:12 — You could cut the tension with a 1,000,000-amp taser. Voltage numbers & questionable statistics fly, along with breathless awe.

“This CAN kill you,” reiterates the potential taker, trying to up the offer.

“Lots of things can kill you,” says the financial backer, unmoved. Touché. Monetary negotiations continue.

1:10 — $5,000 is now on the table. 5 seconds of the taser … to the neck. There are no words for this moment. Around every corner here lies madness.

1:08 — WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAIT! A! MINUTE! Just when you think it’s time to go home, somebody puts money on the table to get tasered. There is definite interest in the room. Don’t. Anybody. Go. Anywhere.

1:03 — “It’s over?” asks Bruce, 10 minutes after it’s over.

“Uh-huh,” somebody answers from behind this couch, although I’m not sure who. Or how they got back there. It may be time to shut this down.

12:54 — The Haast Eagle just punctured the pelvis of this race. Or to put it another way, Scott Dixon just won his 17,032nd race of his career. And somebody just hurled in the billiards room. Again.

12:48 — Somewhere in some distant metropolitan city, someone is just getting home from the bars. He stumbles through some channels, probably while eating a gyro. He comes across VERSUS. He watches this race, mainly because he just wants to hurry up and eat. He is unimpressed. And keep in mind, I write that as one of my bosses sits right next to me. I STAND BY IT!!!!! THAT’S HOW CONFIDENT I AM!!! And because he’s unconscious at the moment, I’LL SAY IT TWICE!!!!! I AM UNIMPRESSED!!

12:41 — Kevin’s 172 Lap Recap “I mean, I hope George Takei is doing the podium ceremony too. I really do. That will salvage this race.” He’s referring, I assume, to the guy who gave the starting command. His name probably isn’t George Takei, and probably not even remotely close to it. (ETHNIC STEREOTYPING ALERT!!) The room erupts into applause regardless. Jackals, they are. 

12:28 — TEQUILA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN YOU, HUNTER-REAY!!!!

12:20 — “You didn’t put that on the site, did you?” Bruce asks me. “No. That would almost certainly get me fired,” I reply.

12:19 — This dramatic Firestone commercial is fantastic. It is. For so many — HOLY SHIT BRUCE JUST SAID THAT “MARIO ANDRETTI WAS THE FIRST MEXICAN TO DATE A WHITE CHICK”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“He’s Italian,” calmly retorts Shaun.

I can die a happy man. This blessed give-and-take assures it.

12:15 — “How often does that happen?” asks Bruce — who is by no means an IndyCar regular — regarding the Briscoe wreck. “About as often as I walk over to your house, ring the doorbell, & kick you in the balls,” answers Shaun. He has a way with words, Shaun does. Not unlike Robert Frost. On a whisky bender.

12:07 — No worries, Briscoe. Don’t be ashamed. For that’s EXACTLY what I’d do if I ever had to exit the pits. While suffering a cerebral bleed. After drinking 18 barrels of Fantastik Counter Cleaner.

12:01 — “I told my wife, ‘hey …it’s the IndyCar Series. I HAVE to stay out until 3:00 AM banging tequila shots because Conway was the first to crash,’” emphatically explains the Pagoda’s Sargent at Arms, just after Conway crashes and we all do a tequila shot — per the agreed on pact — and immediately regret the decision. Oh, and Conway crashed. I guess. I’m not sure. I can’t concentrate. My lungs feels like they’re being disintegrated by a tequila-fueled flamethrower.

11:54 — Behold. Tonight’s Table of Death. What? Why yes … that IS a taser. And candycorn. And what looks to be $700 in cash. And a whole host of other worrisome dangers. I have no explanation for why any of this is here, and someone will die. Shortly. I’m afraid it’s inevitable.

11:44 — “You may need to retract that Brian Barnhart article. This is awful” says the Pagoda’s Chief of Foreign Affairs. “Someone needs to throw a shoe on the track,” adds Shaun.

11:39 — Me: “Lindy, you watching?” Lindy: “S–t no! I’m working!” Well laa-tee-dah. My bad, Queenie. Jesus.

11:38 — TK just got lapped. And my soul just cried himself to sleep. A deep, peaceful, sad sleep from which he may never awake.

11:34 — “The problem is, there’s only 28 people watching this. Including us,” says the bonafide IndyCar employee sitting directly to my left. Confidence, it seems, is lacking.

11:28 — “Mario Moraes didn’t get a full load,” says Jack Arute. To which I say, I feel like I’m being sexually molested everytime Jack speaks.

11:24 — “How many Tweets do you think are in Arabic?” the Pagoda’s CFO asks, out of nowhere. Shaun’s 46-lap recap: “Wait until pitstops. Then I’ll tell you.” So there you go. This is why the Colloquium is your trusted source of IndyCar information.

11:20 — MASSIVE technical difficulties here. Which I’m pretty sure have absolutely NOTHING to do with me.  [does Humpty Dance in the middle of College Ave ... passes out]  Lousy WordPress. A POX UPON YOU!!!

11:03 — GREEN GREEN GREEN!!!!!! THE CHEETAHS!!!!!!!!!!!!! ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11:01 — Welcome to 55th & College. 93% of the IndyCar employees are in Japan. The other 7%??? They’re right here. With me. Chapperoning, apparently. A massive Colloquium is in effect, and many Documents of Sworn Secrecy have been signed. Also, someone just smoked a bowl of liquid dishwasher detergent. That person was NOT Terry Angstadt.