Drivers sometimes send us links to stories from their homelands in an effort to give a flavor of their respective countries. Usually, these are meant to be tales of great interest or awesomeness that put the homeland in a favorable light. Of course, the Pagoda will decide what is & is not ”favorable.” That is our business.

Today, Scott Dixon sends in a story from The Australian, despite the fact that he’s a New Zealander. Regardless, I can honestly say that I’m not expecting much from this quote-unquote “tale,” as Dixon’s idea of interest or awesomeness most likely involves the drafting of New-Zealand-style land-sale contracts. Or tinkering with his homemade lemonade recipe. Or whatever it is uninteresting people enjoy.

That said, let us walk through this story together. Brace yourself for boredom. I am.

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It might not have killer crocs but New Zealand was once home to an even more fearsome creature that could rip apart humans with its claws.

HELLooooooooooooo. Well what do we have here?!?

New research has confirmed that a giant man-eating bird long spoken of in legends actually existed.

JESUS!!!!!!! What is this, Middle Earth??? I remain skeptical.

And the Haast eagle was even bigger and more deadly than first thought …

Bigger and more deadly than what? A falcon? A pelican? A winged badger, perhaps? I’m guessing winged badger, because that sounds like the kind of drug-induced tripe that becomes legend. Nonetheless, I’m unimpressed, and this is a waste of my –

… fulfilling the same role as the killer lions of Africa.

ZOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GREATEST!!! BIRD!!! EVER!!!

“It was certainly capable of swooping down and taking a child,” Paul Scofield, of Canterbury University in New Zealand, said.

Sorry, buddy. Too late. In my mind, I’m waaaaaay past “swooping down and taking a child.” That’s not so difficult, really — and certainly nothing to brag about. No, I’m thinking more along the lines of “swooping down and mercilessly taking two meathead New England Patriot fans ice-fishing on the Old Quincy Reservoir,” just like a hardcore flying lion would.  [daydreams happily]  Oh would that’d be rich?!?! The question is, Is this noble bird up to the task? Can it REALLY pull off a 90 mph double-homicide from above? 

Its talons were as big as a tiger’s claws, making it the ultimate “killing machine”, he said.

[drools]  That’s it. I’ve heard enough. My next son will be named Haast Eagle Hobbson, and he will be feared. So it shall be.  

“They had the ability to not only strike with their talons but to close the talons and put them through quite solid objects …

Objects like WHAT?!?!? (Please say “skulls” please say “skulls” please say “skulls.”)

… such as a pelvis.

I’LL TAKE IT!!!!!!!!

Pictures of the giant creature could be found all through early Maori rock drawings but they were presumed imaginary.

The lesson? Doubt Maori rock drawings at your own peril. How many times must we learn this? Remember when those Maori rock drawings foretold of the meteoric rise of a mustachioed gentleman by the name of John Ratzenberger? We laughed & fancied them “imaginary,” just like this wonderful bird of death I’m just now hearing about. Doubt them no more.    

Remains of the Haast eagle had been collected in the 1870s but early examinations found it was a scavenger like a vulture.

Pffffffffffft. Vultures never swiped two detestable Patriot fans clean off an ice floe, did they? No. They most certainly did not. So f–k you, 1870s researchers. Do not insult the Haast eagle in that fashion.

The research, published in The Journal of Vertebrate Paleontology, concluded the bird is the Kiwi equivalent of the great African lion.

And that pretty much boils this down to its purest essence, I think. And its purest essence is this: New Zealand was once home to airborn, high-speed lions ruthlessly patrolling the skies – ruling from above, if you will – who may very well have been the most magnificent killing machines the world has ever known.

Scott Dixon – the Pagoda greatly approves of your Tale from the Motherland, and apologizes for doubting you. Well played.