When we last left Chicagoland we were reeling from a race so close that the winner had to be determined AFTER the race when (ahem) an improperly installed transponder in Scott Dixon’s car incorrectly showed him as the race winner. Dixon had already pulled into Victory Lane before the error could be corrected, depriving the fans of a well deserved fence-climbing by Helio Castroneves. So if you happen upon Helio Castroneves this weekend he might appreciate it if you could walk up to him and in your best Jack Arute ask him to “describe the feeling”. You may need to apply molasses to your exposed skin and smoke a pack of Newports to achieve the full effect.

As for the rest of the racing field, hope springs eternal this weekend. The Kentucky race has renewed our faith in humanity, or at least the IndyCar series’ ability to put on a good show, as that last high-speed oval produced a contest of such improbable excitement that the perenially winless Ed Carpenter nearly won. And by nearly won I mean lost by about two feet, thus depriving us of a a story we would tell our grandchildren. Yes, even my unborn grandchildren are bitter at Ryan Briscoe.

But Ed was still close, and Tony Kanaan wasn’t far behind him, which means that with these recent snazzy aerodynamic changes we now expect teams other than the Big Two to contest for the win. I’m not a technical type of person who thinks saying “It’s tight on entry but loose on exit” is perfectly acceptable for dinner conversation, so I can’t address the specifics of these changes. I just know based on what I saw at Kentucky that they should make for plenty of excitement, because goodness knows there will be people who literally will need something to keep them awake as a result of this race has being scheduled at a most inopportune time.

You see, the start of this race is at 9pm Eastern, which — while making for some exciting Saturday Night racing — will also mean that much of what’s left of a viewing audience will be nodding off at the first sign of lock-stepped-ness. If for any reason this looks to become a contest of fuel conservation and not ACTUAL RACING, we may see ratings in the neighborhood of that steaming pile of .15 that Kansas dumped earlier this year.

And retaining consciousness isn’t just an issue for fans, because many assorted Indy-based officials, reporters, and fence-hangers will be pulling the all-nighter regardless of the excitement of the race. Even if the weather holds and the yellow flag remains pocketed, this race is still going to conclude near midnight in Indy where those aforementioned souls will need to be for Sunday’s Moto GP race at IMS. Two races to work, separated by roughtly 12 hours from the finish of the first to the start of the second – and that’s the best case scenario.

It’s for these folks that the Silent Pagoda would like to offer a bit of assistance. There are thousands of race fans counting on you this weekend, and we don’t want you to let them down, and fortunately for you, if there’s ONE THING word butchers like us are experts at — it’s psychostimulants.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: The following list is provided for edutainment informational purposes only. By no means is Silent Pagoda, the Indy Racing League, or even Jack Arute endorsing the use of any of these substances. However, we do request that if you happen to do something completely insane like snorting the ashes of your deceased relatives that you let us know how that worked out for you so we can add it to the list.

*Caffeine – Most of you will be tempted by the most commonly used stinulant in the world, but be aware that this is also a diuretic. That means overuse will result in an inordinate amount of potty breaks, which as Lindy Thackston learned can be a dangerous proposition.

*Nicotine – They’re foul, they’re deadly, and they’re illegal to mention at sporting events. But smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.

*Amphetamines – I would have to defer to Roy on this, since he’s an internationally recognized expert on this subject. My limited familiarity with these is restricted to McCroskey’s famous line “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.”

*Ecstasy – Thanks to the fun folks in England, “Methylenedioxymethamphetamine” got itself a sexy name. But don’t let that monicker fool you, because among its many undesirable side effects is that you will find yourself numbingly enthralled by 90s bands from Manchester, England. There’s a reason you can no longer recall ANY “Madchester” bands. Your mind has erased the likes of “Charlatans UK” or “Inspiral Carpets” or “Happy Mondays” or “The Farm”. I don’t care if “The Stone Roses” found their way into a Guitar Hero game, you had best leave anything relating to this musical era alone.

*Cocaine – Speaking of music, this is probably the most annoying riff Eric Clapton ever wrote. Practically speaking, this substance will take you from 0 to Douchebag in under 15 seconds, as we all learned in any number of episodes of “Miami Vice”. Which reminds me, one of these days I need to get around to nominating Edward James Olmos to run the Indy Racing League.

*Taurine – This may come as a surprise to those of you who drink energy drinks as if they are some kind of liquefied Soylent Green, but taurine hasn’t been scientifically proven to be a stimulant. (This would explain why Red Bull driver Scott Speed perpetually flounders in any number of racing series.) It has however proven to to be helpful in another area: cleaning contact lenses.

So for those you you pulling double duty – clean out your lenses, grab yourself a choice stimulant, and gird your loins for a sleepless weekend of racing.