{Federal Aviation Administration weekly press conference}
United States Airlines Czar: … and our hope is that we will one day eliminate catastrophic bird strikes in our lifetimes. Any other questions? You there, what say you?
Me: Hi. My name is Roy Hobbson, and I genuinely detest flying. I hate everything about it. I hate the claustrophobia. I hate taking off. I hate the turbulence. I hate the possibility of a random wind shear sending me plummeting to Earth at 900 mph. I hate the initial descent toward landing. I hate it all. In fact, I require massive sedation to even step foot on a plane, not unlike B.A. Baracus. And even then, I spend the duration of the flight making deals with God, reeling from tachycardia, and sweating profusely. Upon landing, I inevitably feel as though I’ve cheated death yet again.
My question is, is there anything you could do to make the whole experience somehow WORSE? Somehow MORE awful? It’s a long shot, I know, for it hardly seems possible. But I’m hoping you could just add that extra touch of dread — maybe one more horrifying danger for me to agonize over — so that I can explore the true depths of my terror. I just want to see how far down it goes. I want to see if I can actually become paralyzed with fear.
United States Airlines Czar: Well, we could hide massive, venomous scorpions throughout the cabin on random domestic flights. The way I see it, why just be paralyzed from fear when you can become truly paralyzed by predatory devil-beasts lurking in the overhead bins & seat cushions? How’s THAT??? Would that do the trick?
Me: YOU BET IT WILL!!!!!!! Thank you, sir!!
[vomits]
By McL, July 20, 2009 @ 3:52 pm
Will we be discussing the Foyt/Irsay wedding here today? If so give me a heads up so I can hurl myself into oncoming traffic.
By pressdog, July 20, 2009 @ 7:57 pm
Airlines could make it worse by, say, randomly delaying and/or canceling and/or overbooking flights and forcing to you to sit like herded cattle in a waiting area with increasingly irritated fellow humans who act like if they ask enough times and exclaim their frustration enough God will simply miracle a plane onto the empty tarmac for their convenience. Oh, wait, they’ve already done that. So I guess their work here is done.
By P Daddy, July 20, 2009 @ 8:25 pm
FYI, I was actually on that flight!!! Flying back from a bender in Vegas (flight started in PHX). All of a sudden two rows behind me people start acting up, and then I hear “scorpion”. Oh s*#t!!!! It was bad enough that the withdrawals from my 3-day heroin binge was causing me to shake and itch uncontrollably, now every time I scratched I was afraid I’d have scorpions crawling up my leg. What the hell? I thought having crabs was bad, but scorpions on a plane? I smell a sequel!
By izod9, July 20, 2009 @ 9:47 pm
20 years ago I was on a flight to FayetNam, (Fayetville), and an idiot Marine had a python in his duffel bag in the overhead bin. His drinking buddies didn’t believe him, so he actually got it out, with flight attendents screaming and the pilot having cops arrest the guy when we landed. True Story. I think that’s where Wesley Snipes movie “Snakes on a plane” came from.
By Boo Boo, July 21, 2009 @ 12:06 am
Love taking off. Love landing. Hate the rest.
By Carrie, July 21, 2009 @ 10:06 am
I’m tired of these motherf&*kin’ scorpions on my motherf&*kin’ plane!
By Coz, July 21, 2009 @ 10:43 am
We could strap you to the nose gear and do a series of touch and go’s. Be sure to wear your Depends.
By D.Waltrip, July 21, 2009 @ 11:56 am
Apparently, and I ain’t ever piloted one o’ them things, but I figure flying one o’ them 737s cain’t be any harder than taking turn 3 at Talladega wide open. But you try takin’ one o’ then airline pilots an’ put ‘im in a Cup car an’ see how good he can run.
By pressdog, July 21, 2009 @ 2:35 pm
You guys are KILLING me over here. And D.W., you wild man, I want to party with you, cowboy. A’course you’d be bathed in your own urine and feces by turn three in an IndyCar and ripping your clothes off like your cousin Ricky Bobby by start-finish, but still.
By McL, July 22, 2009 @ 9:27 am
I’d expect nothing less from Southwest.