Scott Dixon – The Most Uninteresting Man in the World
Posted by Silent Pagoda Corporate Office on June 8th, 2009 •
23 Comments
- His only visible sign of excitement is blinking.
- He avoids conflict at all costs.
- When he wants to “recklessly shake things up,” he refers to his couch as his “davenport.”
- He gets plenty of rest.
- He has one dog named “George,” and another one named “Arthur.”
- He avoids sugary products, as they tend to “anger up the blood.”
- His bench-press amount is neither exceedingly high, nor pathetically low … instead, it is remarkably average.
- He is frightened of change, as well as heights.
- He worries that TJ Maxx is filled with stolen products, and thus does not go there.
- He has never once spoken ill of anybody.
- He finds loud colors bothersome.
- He defines “loud colors” as “anything that isn’t tan.”
- He has never been in a knife-fight.
- He considers Beetle Bailey a rabble-rouser, but enjoyable nonetheless.
- He is a natural enemy of chaos, and a stout defender of order.
- He fancies the Marc Antony power ballads.
- He is clinically without a pulse.
- He has never blown coke off a lady-friend’s chest (and prays he never will).
- He is disliked by nobody.
- He toes the company line with fierce determination.
- He is lactose intolerant.
By Roy Hobbson, June 8, 2009 @ 4:50 pm
This is all Jeff Iannucci’s doing. I just tweaked his words a bit. And basically toned it down A LOT. Jesus, Jeff … get off Dixon’s back. He’s good people.
[runs and cashes IndyCar check before they put a freeze on it]
By Jeff Iannucci, June 8, 2009 @ 5:54 pm
It wasn’t me. I swear. I’m telling you, Dan Wheldon TOTALLY hacked into my email account and sent you that list. I’m just a patsy.
By pressdog, June 8, 2009 @ 6:01 pm
Iannucci is out of hand. At Indy he said “dang it” once and “that’s unfortunate” several times. Although he apologized for what he called “the discourteousness,” the damage was done. And now, he slanders Scott Dixon, Saver of Treed Cats. Have you no shame after all, sir?
By Allen/SandWedge, June 8, 2009 @ 6:55 pm
I’m reminded of a great quote from an episode of Futurama:
Neutral king’s aide: “Your Neutralness, we have a beige alert.”
Neutral King: “If I don’t make it through this, tell my wife… hello”
By Mandy, June 8, 2009 @ 9:56 pm
I don’t know, you guys. It’s the quiet ones you’ve gotta watch. For example, Dixon was wearing sunglasses after the race on Saturday. The only people who wear sunglasses after midnight are either blind, or they’re cult leaders. Maybe that’s why Danica has a larger fan base: bigger sunglasses! It’s all making sense now, isn’t it?
By H.B. Donnelly, June 8, 2009 @ 10:09 pm
So if Scotty Dixon and that Mexican dude from the Dos Equis commercials got together, would it be like a matter/anti-matter collision? Would a black hole open up in the center of Gasoline Alley and swallow the world whole? Would Eddie Cheever and the Andrettis get along?! Great…now I’m going to have nightmares tonight…
By Flash, June 8, 2009 @ 10:27 pm
I believe that Cory Hart also wears sunglasses past midnight (or something to that affect).
Dixon is so uninteresting. I mean he makes millions of dollars driving 200+ mph, robotically dominates if he has the car, saws hotter chicks than we could ever imagine, and does so with a gentlemanly NZ accent. I’d like to know what Iannucci has going on this weekend to top that.
By Roy Hobbson, June 8, 2009 @ 10:37 pm
@Flash – That was precisely the thrust of my argument to Jeff. Plus — and this isn’t something I routinely talk about, but — I’ve been to a couple non-sanctioned after-hours IRL events, if you know what I mean. And I’m not saying Dixon was blowing coke off hookers … but there was certainly some freaky shit going down — the kind of shit people write grandiose short stories about. Talented people.
Point being, I’m squarely in the you-don’t-know-where-Dixon-is-coming-from camp. It’s comfortable here. Feel free to stop by.
By Roy Hobbson, June 8, 2009 @ 10:42 pm
Oh, and I’m under no IndyCar pressure to say this. And to prove it, I’ll reiterate my position that Danica’s Twittering makes my brain cry hot tears of stupid … but not before making my eyes bleed. I stand by that.
By pressdog, June 8, 2009 @ 11:02 pm
I heard a rumor that Dixon sports colorful nipple rings on race days. Just what I heard.
By Brian, June 9, 2009 @ 7:24 am
Not everyone can be as effusive as Helio and as petulant as Marco and others. Being a gentleman in public serves him well. He reminds me of others -Sam Hornish, Jimmy Vasser and Greg Moore…
By Channel Return Remington, June 9, 2009 @ 12:28 pm
A leak from the Dixon camp also once created speculation that he bunches his toilet paper instead of folding. Could be a result of the counterclockwise flushing that is inherent in New Zealand.
By Brian, June 9, 2009 @ 12:45 pm
How can we be so fascinated by a guy who’s supposedly as interesting as toast?
By izod9, June 9, 2009 @ 2:25 pm
I’ll bet he’s just Kimi Raikkonen, and just click on “kimi” on youtube and get an idea what that Finn is like. But maybe since they come from exact oppositte sides of the earth they are related in some axis.
By Demond Sanders, June 9, 2009 @ 9:43 pm
Just wow. Thank you guys for that. Seriously. Now do one about Briscoe.
By Sticky McCombs, June 10, 2009 @ 1:55 pm
Dixie should pull a Leinart and hire Jay Glazer as a trainer. That should spice things up.
By Heit Harrelson, June 12, 2009 @ 8:57 am
Dixon is the Gary Thorne of hockey announcers, Jay Mohr from Picture Perfect, Mario Cipollina of Huey Lewis and the News, and Clarence Gilyard Jr. from Walker Texas Ranger combined. You just know what you’re going to get. Try to find a pound of bacon in the cereal isle. You won’t!
By Ted McConachie, June 12, 2009 @ 7:17 pm
I saw Scott pour milk over his head last year and then throw some at his mother! How many of you would have the balls to do that! I cringe every time I see that… I note some correlation with another great New Zealander in your analysis – the late, great Denny Hulme – who also enjoyed plenty of rest, was a member of the “beige brigade”, always toed the company line and is also presently without a pulse… take the pith, say what you like about “the iceman” us here in Godzone are proud of our most famous ambassador stateside! It’s like milk off a kiwi’s back. (As a mixed metaphor I’m not sure that flies!)
By Ted McConachie, June 13, 2009 @ 8:00 am
Hey Roy, Did you know that Scott had a TV show dedicated to him in September last year in New Zealand? It was called “This is Your Life”. Only the most famous NZ’ers are chosen for this honour and it’s not a regular show. It seems like only once every couple of years of late. Others to have it sprung on them you may have heard of are people like Sir Edmund Hillary, Dame Kiri Te Kanawa and Jonah Lomu. There were mixed reactions to the show because of some talk about Scott’s drunken exploits when he was younger and also an incident (or rather a series of incidents) where a rental car was wrecked…
By Ted McConachie, June 29, 2009 @ 1:53 am
Record-equalling 19 Indycar wins…
Quite interesting one would think?!?
That effortless, relaxed, fuel-saving driving style may be boring? but it sure is effective!
Just ask Dario Franchitti…