I’ve decided it’s time to read up on this supposed “swine flu” thing I’m incessantly hearing about & not paying attention to. The whole ordeal is interferring with my Kansas Recap, and has become a bother. Do we actually need continuous news coverage of this? Is it really THAT bad? I’m guessing no. I mean, it’s the flu … not Lou Gehrig’s Disease. Right?

[Googles "swine flu"]

Let’s see just how overblown & harmless this thing really is. Take it away, Wikipedia.

Symptoms include fever, disorientation, stiffness of the joints …

Pffffft. That’s exactly how I feel after our 30-and-over Monday night basketball league. Fever? Check. Disorientation? Mmm-hmm. Stiffness in joints? If by “stiffness,” you mean “searing, intolerable, gut-churning pain” — then yes. Of course, I also have difficulty breathing & that unmistakable sensation of bullet-riddled hamstrings. Where’s THAT, oh mighty swine flu??? Where’s the collapsed lungs and semi-paralysis I endure every Monday night through Thursday morning??? Color me unimpressed. What else you got?

… vomiting …

Well sure. If you’re not wrapped around the toilet in a prayerful heap, it’s not really the flu at all, now is it? No. It’s not. In fact, I’ve heard all I need to hear on the matter. This quote-unquote “pandemic” hardly seems worthy of our –

… and loss of consciousness ending in death.

Oh. I see. Death by dry-heaving. That seems rather unpleasant.  [immediately puts on six overlapping surgical masks] So … does this über-flu kill everyone it infects?

The mortality rate is less than 10% for swine flu …

See there?!?! ONLY TEN PERCENT!!!! That’s nothing. Why, there’s a 10% chance you get billy-clubbed to death by a PCP addict named “Leon” on the way home from work tonight. We scoff at 10%. The aforementioned pffffft stands proud once more, as dismissive & confident as ever. Let us rest easy & move on to more pressing matters, like the Kansas –

… if there are no complications like hog cholera.

HOG CHOLERA!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! SWEET JESUS!!!!!

What, did George Orwell write this flu strand?!?!?!?!?! HOG CHOLERA!?!?!?!?!?! Is that even REAL?!?! Is this a marketing ploy meant to rile up the masses? (“With a name like ‘hog cholera,’ you KNOW it’s f–ked up!”™) It’s possible, sure, but we can’t risk it. That would be irresponsible & dangerous. No, hog cholera crosses the line, I fear, and is exceedingly worrisome. I’ve grossly underestimated the horrors of this pandemic, and I will take all necessary, reasonable precautions from here on out. [puts on HazMat suit ... locks self in bomb shelter]

Onward to the Road Runner Turbo Indy 300 at Kansas Speedway. Five Pagodas for that which was entirely awesome … negative-5 for that which was uncomfortably pathetic and/or Jack-Arute-ish — my call.

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“Start your engines!!” segment — negative-3 Pagodas
Alright, race fans!!! It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for!!! They’re the most famous words in auto racing!!! Get up on your feet & put your hands together for some guy from the Kansas Division of Time Warner Cable!!!!!!!!!! LET’S HEAR IT, FOLKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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EJ Viso sent to the back of the field — 1 apathetic Pagoda
He got penalized for — and I quote — “failing post-qualifying inspection.” What that means, exactly, is anyone’s guess. Of course, had this happened last year, the possibilities there would have been endless (as they usually are with fun, angry, mentally unstable Venezuelan SUPERHERO midgets):

• ethanol illegally enhanced with gun powder
• unauthorized pair of Mongolian battle-midgets stowed away in cockpit
• drinking-water hose actually connected to meth bong
• rear wing coated in mustard
• tried to sneak through with non-compliant monster truck tires

It would have gone on and on indefinitely. This year? It was surely something pedistrian & boring — just like his off-season “training” video … the canary in the coal mine, so to speak. Because that painful production spelled the beginning of the end for the Viso we all once knew/were genuinely terrified of. Now he’s a Radio Shack cashier, all mindlessness & terrible & boring.

RIP, Crazy Viso.

Helio ass-rams Vitor at 200 mph — 4 Pagodas
I don’t even know where to begin. This had it all, from irony (Helio being the rammer, as opposed to the Federal Penitentiary rammee) … to pure stupidity (Vitor slamming on his brakes in a 200-mph caravan) … to AJ Foyt angrily biting off a chunk of the pit road wall as a result. I feel dizzy. With joy.

Mantis Tiller/Cultivator — 3 Pagodas
Having watched this commercial no less than 400 times (all during IndyCar telecasts), I’ve decided that I must have one. It’s my ticket to ride, I think … my rebuttal to those know-it-all a-holes who’ve pegged me as a soft, suburban fat-ass completely incapable of of self-reliance. The phone calls alone would be well worth the cost:

Friend: What are you doing? Playing Wii and eating Pringles again?

Me: Nope. Cultivating the back yard. Harvest time is right around the corner you know.

Friend: Say again. Culti-what??? What’s that?

Me: That’s just me livin’ off the land, doin’ what I do. You know, all I need are my axe and my tiller, and I’m all set. Maybe one day you’ll be able to man-up and do the same. Now if you’ll excuse me, these radishes won’t grow themselves. Peace.

Thank YOU, Mantis Tiller/Cultivator.

Vitor’s post-wreck explanation — 5 Pagodas
According to Vitor, you “enter high, stay high, exit high.”

Somewhere — quite possibly at a laser-light show down at the planetarium — Willie Nelson is greatly pleased and nodding his approval and shoving Funyons into his mouth gleefully.

Brisco & Kanaan blow past Milka at 48x her speed — 4 Pagodas
If only VERSUS would’ve given us the feed from her spotter, my life would’ve been complete:

Okay, Milka … you’ve got two cars coming up fast — about a half-mile behind — one on each side, comin’ in hot, you’re gonna want to HOLY SHIT nevermind they’re gone. Clear.

Are audio clips allowed to be inducted into the Smithsonian? They should be.

VERSUS announcers dropping knowledge — 4.8 Pagodas
They’ve taught me more technical aspects of IndyCar in one race than in my previous year of watching telecasts combined. It’s non-stop. It’s constant information. And that’s the God’s honest truth. Someone just taught me the basics physics of “aerodynamic wash.” I feel omnipotent.

But I must ask … are these constant (remedial) explanations a bother to the steely-eyed race fans? Is it like an NBA broadcast team explaining the basics of what a jump ball is? And that’s not a rhetorical question. I want to know. And I want to know now. Get to answerin’.

Dixon wins — 1 unchanging Pagoda
You have to understand, Scott Dixon has won 93% of ALL THE INDYCAR RACES I’VE EVER WATCHED IN MY LIFETIME. This is madness, and it must end.

Listen, Dixon may very well be the nicest, most decent, most likable man on the planet … but — and I don’t want you to take this the wrong way — I’d like to duct-tape him & throw him in my trunk for the entirity of the Indy 500. If only to shake things up a bit.

How to lure him into my bomb shelter, though, may prove difficult.