Sorry, Roy…but I got no Snoop Dogg. I can’t exactly “drop it like it’s hot” when I’m locked in the meat cooler of the Long Beach media center right now. I’m like Knut the polar bear down here waiting for someone to throw me a frozen halibut, and you’re expecting me to get all “pimps in the crib”. Seriously, you have no idea what kind of “pimps” are hanging in this “crib”, my friend. I’m easily the youngest person down here, and in the immortal words of Mike Gundy, “I’m a man!!! I’m FORTY!!!!“.

But on the other hand I’ve got no Queen Mary references, and I have it on good authority that Jack Arute has been dusting off his decades-old Queen Mary references just in case your great-aunt Bertha is watching. Might want to check to see if she has VERSUS, though.

Anyhow, welcome to the first ever edition of the IndyCar series at Long Beach. Well, last year’s race counted in the points, but the were racing the Champ Car Panoz DP01s, and half of the IndyCar field was in Japan, and asterisk, asterisk, asterisk. Let’s just call it the first time here and leave it at that.

And with that revisionist history, here’s what you need to pay attention to for the 2009 season opening Honda Grand Prix of St Petersburg.

- After being found eee-nnocent of his tax evasion charges, Helio Castroneves returns to the IndyCar series for the first race since his win-by-a-nose at Homestead last season. I cannot confirm reports of a pending H&R Block sponsorship for the remainder of the season.

- Last year’s champion at this race was Will Power, who may soon change his name to Will Drive For Food. The lame duck driver in the (literally) black sheep third entry for Team Penske will start from the pole in a brand new car and a brand new team. If this plan doesn’t work out for him word is he may consider taking up the uppermost form of street racing – Formula Drift.

- Paul Tracy is in the house, but he’s not driving. Not that we can tell, at least. Keep a lookout to see if he’s lingering outside Helio’s pits with a pipe wrench waiting to pull a Jeff Gillooly on the dance master’s knee. He may also convince the guy in the Geico Gecko suit to help him.

- Justin Wilson nearly won last weekend in a street race in St. Petersburg, despite driving for possibly the lowest-budget team entered in the race. Although his number (18) and sponsor (Z-Line) have changes from that race, the type of track hasn’t. Look for @curtcavin to tweet about how ready others will be to cheer in the media center if Wilson can at least repeat his performance.

- The last time Danica Patrick raced at Long Beach, she won. It was 9 years ago, and it was in the Celebrity Pro race, but she won. Really. She’s a winner here. Defending champion, in a round-about way…sadly, that’s the best thing I expect to be able say about her racing this weekend. I’ll leave it at that before the Fanicas burn the Pagoda down.

- Ryan Briscoe is so adept at finding speed on road and street racing has made the Firestone Fast Six for each of the last seven races. He also won the last street race a couple weeks ago. He also won in the exhibition street race in Australia last fall. So of course no one is talking about him. Helio. Will Power. Helio. Will Power. LOOK, it’s Nicole Manske!

- And with that we come to the final thing to pay attention to. Most importantly: Lindy Thackston or Lauren Bohlander? Take the opportunity of a SoCal setting to declare your allegiance.