I don’t particularly enjoy watching hockey. Not unless two neckless brutes happen to be smashing each other’s faces in at center ice, that is. Or — you know — unless the announcer is yelling profoundly magnificent things like “I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!!” after each goal.
Meet Randy Moller, the commentator for the Florida Panthers. He’s revolutionizing all that we are, and all that we once knew.
Take note, Bob Jenkins. Take note and YELL STUFF JUST LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!
Because you know what, Bob? This is what America wants … what America needs. (With “America” meaning “me,” of course.) Some irreverency. High-octane, screaming-at-the-top-of-your-lungs irreverency. That’s precisely what won us the Cold War.
Hey, Bob … you want to put IndyCar telecasts on a one-way bullet train to Awesomeville? Yes? Good. Then you need to go all Randy Moller, but with your own unique twist. I mean, you can’t just rip off the “scream pop-culture lines” angle. That goes against industry ethics, I think. And plus, this crazed Moller fellow might hunt you down and carve out your lungs. No, you certainly need something else. Something besides movie quotes.
Therefore, Bob, I’m suggesting that you scream old-timey colloquialisms and slang terms at opportune times. Preferably ones that make no sense whatsoever. Because frankly, it’s not really what you say … but HOW you say it. You have to sell it, Bob. And I know you can.
Imagine for a moment there’s a harrowing pass on the track — or that Danica plows through a pack of Delphi Saftey Team personnel at 185 mph — what are you going to do? What will you say? I’ll tell you what you’ll say … you’ll say any one of the following AT EAR-SPLITTING DECIBELS:
- WELL BUTTER MY NECKTIE AND CALL ME WALT!!!!!
- AWWWWWW, HORSEFEATHERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- LOCK DADDY IN THE CELLAR AND HIDE THE HOOCH!!!!
- YOU DON’T GREASE FLAPJACKS … AND YOU DON’T CRACK WISE WITH MYRTLE!!!!
- HOT GOAT CHEESE, YOU GOT HORNSWOGGLED!!!!
- LOUSY GERMANS AND THEIR FANCY SLUBBERDOFFERY!!!!!
- COOL PAPA BELL AND THE GANG ARE GOIN’ TO THE TALKIES!!!!
And so forth and so on. You get the idea.
Next stop: Awesomeville.
By Jeff Iannucci, March 25, 2009 @ 3:59 pm
I had no idea about this Randy Moller, mostly because I had no idea people actually pay attention to hockey in Florida. I say this because I suspected as much because there are exactly three people who show up to the Phoenix Coyote beatings here – and that’s counting co-owner Wayne Gretzky.
Anyhow, sorry to say but Moller’s ripping off Mike Lange – just with pop culture quotes.
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mike_Lange
Besides, Bob Jenkins isn’t much for shouting. Mike King, on the other hand…this would be PERFECT for him.
By 1UPSwife, March 25, 2009 @ 4:41 pm
BRILLIANT POST! And I agree one thousand percent.
By Chad Lambert, March 25, 2009 @ 4:50 pm
He kind of sounds like Murray Miller on the radio in the old days calling classic mid major basketball games.
By Mr. Larson, March 25, 2009 @ 6:08 pm
“Well slap my salamander!!” Wait…….
By Heit Harrelson, March 26, 2009 @ 8:01 am
“Someone tug the nomex out of my crack, because I’m binding up!!!” I see this as double good. One, Jenkins could shout that all day and I’d laugh, and two…he probably should wear nomex in the booth because Arute might just decide to set him on fire mid-season.
By Carrie, March 27, 2009 @ 11:38 am
Someone went to the Jim Ross school of commentating!
Hellfire and Brimstone, it’s Danica and she’s about to tombstone Milka straigh to heeeeelllllll!
By P Daddy, March 28, 2009 @ 1:10 pm
“Michael passes Marco for the lead…(James Earl Jones Voice) Luke, I am your Father!!!” Okay, maybe not.
By themikebrown, May 14, 2009 @ 3:16 pm
I applaud you good sir.
“New Keyboard, you owe me. Thanks”
Having worked with (and listened to many a broadcast from) Meestah Jenkins, I know that he can be a great announcer but just the thought of him screaming this sort of odd and insane lines, I would bet that it would make the 500 more memorable.
I think that’s just something that could break up the monotony that happens every once and a while when there’s no passing or pit stops when all the old-timers have to pee.
Just sayin’
By Jason McVeigh, March 16, 2010 @ 12:46 pm
A popular term in this part of the world when something shocking happens is “Bugger Me!”. When Briscoe crashed into the tyres on Sunday it would have been so funny to have heard “Well Bugger me Briscoe!”
By So, March 16, 2010 @ 6:12 pm
Bob – If you are listening, mix in a “Scratch my back with a hacksaw” the next time Moreas decides the easiest way to turn one is going all Larry Zonka over the top of Marco. This would prove you have the fans best interest in mind.
So Out!!