Hi there!!! I’m Dan Peterson of Fox News. I have 67 Pulitzer Prizes to my name and I often bench press small aircraft. My diet consists entirely of wolverines I track and kill with my own hands. I’ll be stopping by here quite often to share with you dumbf–k IndyCar goons the vast awesomeness of NASCAR. And rest assured, as a professional journalist working for the most reputable and truthful news outlet ever created by man or God, I’m incapable of lying or exaggerating. So if I tell you that I hit my 9-iron 245 yards — which I certainly do — you’d better f–king believe it. Or so help me Christ, I will impale your face with my least favorite Oscar trophy (the one I got for writing and producing “Red Dawn”).
Let’s get to this week’s NASCAR Innovations, presented by Fox News:
- Before NASCAR came along and refined the process, car seats were actually nothing more than deadly piles of sawdust and dynamite.
- The United States’ banking system is derived entirely from NASCAR’s points system.
- The first laproscopic surgery in America was performed by Glenn “Fireball” Roberts after a fan accidentally swallowed a hubcap in his garage.
- In 1968, Richard Petty’s crew chief was bored, so he invented plexiglass. He also invented the pot roast, cargo pants, and surface-to-air missiles … all during a rain delay. But truthfully? He is but a lowly footnote in the vast book of NASCAR innovations.
- In the early days of automobiles, engine exhaust was pumped directly into the driver’s inner ear. NASCAR engineers found this entirely unacceptable, and thus invented the tail pipe.
- It was Bill France Sr. who first suggested putting cocaine in cola. And from that, Coca-Cola was born.
- The basic schematics of the Car of Tomorrow have revolutionized bridge-making, contraceptives, and governmental efficiency throughout the world.
So long, f–ktards!! I’ll be back next week to regale you with more NASCAR truths. Maybe then you’ll come over to OUR side, where innovation and awesome abound.
By Ryan, February 13, 2009 @ 4:43 pm
It should be noted that the ORIGINAL story had “NASCAR R&D” credited as the innovator of the SAFER barrier. Now the link goes to the edited version (since ol’ DP got email-carpetbombed for his error). He still thinks that the death of ol’ #3 was the reason that the SAFER barrier was invented, though…and if Dan says that something that happened in this millenium caused something that happened last millenium, who are we to argue with him?
By My Name Is IRL, February 13, 2009 @ 4:46 pm
Not only are these talking points patently false, but they are totally plagiarized from a prominent textbook circulating throughout the Charlotte (NC) Public School District.
Journalism is dead. Again.
By Carrie, February 13, 2009 @ 11:27 pm
TL;DR… no mention of EJ = boring
By The Comment Czar, February 13, 2009 @ 11:41 pm
I know they are supposed to be for comments, but Roy made me laugh, so he wins this week.
Comment Czar
By Kroq, February 14, 2009 @ 8:30 am
All I have to say….http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54y19RDtEjg
By Erudite Southerner, February 14, 2009 @ 8:36 am
Ther is not enough NASCAR blogs and news sites yet I only know of 318 so Im glad that The Silent Pagoda has NASCAR commintary from Fox News! kick ass! Now this site can be populer like the other websites about racing. Get er done!
By Rusty Nail, February 14, 2009 @ 12:51 pm
RH, wasn’t the wheel invented on the beaches of Daytona? I could have sworn I read that, oh wait, I can’t read. Mom would you please type quicker I’m tired of waiting on you…don’t type that…what?
By Chris, February 15, 2009 @ 9:01 pm
Did you know that NASCAR (with help from the lizard-aliens) built a time machine sometime in the 1970′s, and that Bill France Jr. traveled back to 1909 and convinced Carl Fisher to build The Speedway? France also tried to get Fisher to start all races with “Boogity, boogity, boogity!”, but this suggestion was rejected by the stoic Indianan. Not to be discouraged, France then went on to help a young Albert Einstein with “a certain physics problem” he was working on. It’s all true. And I’m the only one who knows. Well, I WAS the only one who knows…