As a true racing novice, this “street racing” thing suits me just fine. Because really, it’s remarkably reminiscent of how I — and most every other well-rounded racing neophyte from my generation — was first introduced to the sport: through Atari’s “Pole Position” … the maker of men throughout the early 1980s. The Atari was a fine educator on some of life’s more sticky situations.
Because honestly, I know how to hop through 28 lanes of ferocious traffic (complete with a never-ending convoy of logging trucks) … I know how to navigate a scaffold where a crazed gorilla is raining barrels of flour down on my head … and I know how to street race. I know what to look for today. Or so I hope.
Let’s recap the action from the Honda Grand Prix of St. Petersburg . Five Pagodas for that which was decidedly awesome … one Pagoda for that which was uncomfortably pathetic and/or Jack-Arute-ish. My call.
Good luck to all our participants.
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Tony Kanaan on the pole — 5 Pagodas
It’d only be 4 Pagodas normally, but in a pre-race interview right now, the man is wearing Kool Moe Dee’s sunglasses from the “Knowledge is King” album. That’s +1 in my book. (And by “my book,” I mean “mankind’s book.”)
“Start Your Engines!” Intro, brought to you by Miss America (Kirsten Haglund) — 5 shiny Pagodas
Short … sweet … to the point. No nerves. Unspeakably hot. Smooth delivery. Minimal clothes. Unspeakably hot.
Realistically, this had the potential for 867 Pagodas. Damn rain! Had you come 3 minutes earlier, our southern belle would have become “Girls Gone Wild” in just 10 seconds of showerful mist. Loosely fitting silk tank-top, shining wet shoulders, and just-out-of-the-pool pulled back hair. Maybe she’s riding a mechanical bull … maybe not. Who knows. We’ll never find out.
(Note to IndyCar: give us more “Miss Whatevers.” Less Rupert from “Survivor.” The Pagoda has spoken.)
Champ Car drivers talking trash — 3 Pagodas
As Brianne Pedigo tells us, the “transitional drivers” are secretly looking forward to the rain. According to her report, they figured they could handle a wet track more deftly than could their traditional IndyCar competitors.
This of course prompts Tony Kanaan to rip off one of their arms, throw it at a nearby yacht, and calmly ask if they could “handle a wet track now.”*
(*Some parts of the Pagoda may be completely fabricated.)
The 83 (and counting) yellow-flag laps to begin the race — 1 Pagoda
I get it. It’s rainy. And you know what? The more Jack Arute talks, the more God cries. And the more God cries, the more it rains. It’s a vicious, never-ending cycle right now. And it’s making me want to watch the NCAA Women’s Championship pre-game show.
[wiping away stream of blood pouring from tear ducts]
For the love of everything holy, DROP THE GREEN FLAG ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!
While we’re waiting …
This week’s winner of the “Which Team Gave the Pagoda the Most Free Gear?” contest goes to: N/A
Obviously, the teams were unaware that this noble competition existed. Make no mistake, though: it most certainly does. And now they’re all officially put on notice.
It’ll go like this: the teams that score well throughout the week will be publically glorified and receive favorable attention in this space here. The teams that score poorly will be verbally assaulted and subjected to repeated garage break-ins by our IndyCar moles. The scores are cumulative.
(We all wear XL’s, by the way. And technically — for WTCGPMFG? scoring purposes — an Acura RL qualifies as “gear.”)
Let the games begin.
(Back to your regularly scheduled yellow-flag laps.)
Problem-solving during the 122 (and counting) yellow-flag laps — 4 Pagodas
Actual quote by Scott Goodyear:
“We’ve gotten information from race control. What they’re concerned about right now — before we go green — is turns 11 through 14. That’s near the back end of the racetrack, where there’s some standing water.”
Actual shot shown on ESPN as Goodyear is saying this:
A guy in an orange jumpsuit — standing about ankle-deep in a pond somewhere on the track — sweeping water with a standard issue broom.
Two immediate thoughts come to mind here: (a) since when did we start drying tracks as if it were 1874? And (b) this race might get started sometime in June.
Anyway, kudos, man in orange. Kudos. Losers stand around doing nothing while bitching about the rainfall. Champions get out there — they find a broom — and they start sweeping.
ESPN’s coverage thus far — 1 Pagoda
Let’s see … Brianne Pedigo is speaking with the precision of a raccoon choking on a pine cone, there’s no on-board camera in Tony Kanaan’s car, and Jack Arute is attempting to make passionate love to the television-watching audience every time he comes on. Between that and the fact that I feel like I have vertigo, I remain displeased.
The only saving grace right now? Marty Reid. And more specifically, the fact that the Hi-Def coverage makes him look like Beetlejuice.
Questionable yellow flag as Danica is on the verge of being lapped — 2 Pagodas
Since when did Buddy Rice’s car qualify as “debris on the track?” I call bulls–t, IndyCar.
Marco Andretti “snaps a half shaft” — 4 Pagodas
I have no idea what this means. And frankly, this pains me. Greatly. Because it sounds so … masculine. So audacious. I mean, as a man, this should be something I’m forced to deal with occasionally. But no. I’m stuck bitching about non-functioning staplers and Walgreen’s not having my SPF 90 “Coppertone Sport” and other similarly lame suburban tripe. Just once, I want to tell my wife something badass like, “I was on my 4-wheeler, trying to hunt down that Grizzly I stabbed earlier … but I snapped a goddamn half shaft. I had track down that bastard on foot.”
Someday.
AJ Foyt IV being gang-passed by 4 other cars – IV pagodas
True, he went from 11th place to 15th in one corner. But like Billy Dee Williams in a classic intergalactic dogfight with gun fire blasts and deflector shields malfunctioning … he made it look somewhat cool. Like he wasn’t even all that phased.
A tip ‘o the Schlitz to you, Anthony.
Ryan Briscoe’s reason for crashing — minus 8 Pagodas
Here’s the actual quote from the Aussie right after he clipped a wall … the same wall that was successfully navigated roughly 19,000 times by drivers under the very same conditions:
“You know, my gloves were wet. They were slipping on the wheel a bit.”
Oh? Very well then. You leave the Pagoda very little option here.
To the back of the line, Australia. I hate doing this. You’d recently made some strong headway in the “we’re a country to be reckoned with” department. Really strong headway. Paul Hogan … organized dingoes … the fact that the Outback almost killed Bear Grylls … Russell Crowe … 19 of the 20 most poisonous snakes on Earth … your crazy, breakneck style of football… what have you. And guess what? They’re all dead to me now, thanks to Briscoe’s whiny yarn-spinning. Go hang out with France. You two can go do Pilates or something.
Graham Rahal’s scholarly appearance — 4 Pagodas
He looks like one of those middle-school kids who takes post-graduate level biochemistry classes over at the community college. And who’s a Level 38 Grand Sorcerer in the online “Narnia” game.
A helmeted Vitor Meira hopping out of his car to yell at Townsend Bell — 1 Pagoda
This is bad enough when people do this in football. But c’mon, Vitor … you’re wearing a 400 cubic gallon helmet that goes down to your sternum. That thing is designed to protect the upper third of your body in a 500 mph collision.
If you’re heading off to fisticuffs, leave the helmet. Let’s try to keep some semblance of “street cred” here.
Graham Rahal’s win — 3 Pagodas
Great race … seemingly great kid … slick all-black car. It would’ve been higher, really … but he’s only 19 years old. And thus I’m fairly certain that he’s never even heard of Atari’s “Pole Position.”
Minus 2 Pagodas for making me feel old.
